When it all goes wrong

Have you ever just been really wrong about something? Like flat wrong? It seems as of late, I'm just wrong...a lot. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm not trying to sound pathetic...just factual. In many areas of my life, I'm just off. I think God is humbling me in a lot ways. For far too long I've been able to control how I feel, how I respond, what I think. Turns out that I can't get a grip on any of those things lately. The bad news is that I'm a rotten, wretched sinner. The great news is that Jesus is my Rock. It's lovely to know that when my life is spinning in a way I'm not capable of handling, my hope is in an unwavering Savior. It's not in my location or my job or a relationship. It's so much stronger than that. You see, if my hope was in my job or a person, it would be shallow and counterfeit. I would have no hope. But because of God's grace, my hope is so much better and so much more real that I could have imagined. The best part about being a mess and knowing how incapable I am, is that Jesus is all the more sweet.

When I quit my job a few months ago, I was certain (like I knew, but I told people that I didn't know so they would think I was holy) about where I was going. Everything lined up. It made sense. All the goals I wanted to accomplish could be accomplished there. I had friends, it was an ideal location, great job-one that would allow my heart to heal...I even had a place to live. I was ready to go. Oh, except that that's not where God ended up leading me. As a matter of fact, I was a shoe in for the job, but I never even heard back from them. I was dead wrong. I ended up in a place unexpected. One that is pushing my heart to be more like Christ's. One that is showing me the depths of my sin and the Savior whose love, mercy and grace far exceeds those depths. One where sanctification is good and difficult. One where I am wrong a lot and need Jesus more and more.

I don't think I've ever been more thankful to be so wrong.

What is the measure of life?

I've been taking my high school girls through Ecclesiastes. It's intense to say the least. Last week we talked about how enjoyment and happiness is a poor measure of life. It's completely inaccurate. And I stand by that. However, I think that I struggle with the other extreme tending to believe that if something is difficult then it is out of God's plan for me. How awful is that? God is a good God and in the Word it says that He gives good things. I believe that God is the giver of good-both happiness and struggle. They are both important. God says that He comes to give the abundant life and that would mean a whole spectrum of experiences. Why do I measure my life by the struggle and run away from the enjoyable then? Why do I think that my life is more "godly" if it is marked by significant struggle. I believe that God restores and redeems. He binds up the broken and heals the sick. Granted, I will suffer. But I was made to rejoice as well. Is it possible that my cynical heart keeps me from the joy that God gives. I do love boundaries and control, but I think that I keep myself closed off from the freedom that God gives by loving and enjoying Him. There's some irony here, too, because I have fun. Its just that I think I miss the richness of life because I think more of suffering than rejoicing. Theologically that just doesn't seem right. It should be a balance. Submitting to God's plan day to day whatever that may look like. There is after all a time to mourn and a time to rejoice.

He has made you brave

The last few months have been quite the whirlwind and I've remained fairly tight lipped about all of it. I had been wondering if it was time to leave the life I had in Florida seriously since the spring. But it was too difficult to fathom. Although there were many things that were difficult, I don't think that life is about avoidance of trial and so I prayed for endurance and sanctification. Yet, as the summer went on it became more and more clear that something had to give. Turns out it was me. I was petrified as I was starting to pray over senior high camp. There was a position open in a great city, with a good church, and I had friends there. I was excited about the possibility, yet frightened of change and hurt and I hate quitting anything. But sometimes the race is over and it is foolish to keep running. That's the advice I was given by a wise friend. She was right.

The following weekend proved to me that it was time to move on and so the following week while at junior high camp, I committed to praying through the idea and seeking God's peace and wisdom. That's where I was met with the message of God's strength and provision. The worship leader shared a story of how his daughter was afraid of the ocean and the waves and he reminded her that her father was stronger than all that was coming her way. It is the same with our heavenly Father. He is bigger and stronger than the waves of life that come all too quickly. The ones we can't see or prepare for. The ones that take us by surprise. The ones that are scary and knock us down. And because of who He is, we can trust and step out in faith.

It was at this time that I started reading a book about God's will for our life. It's premise is that God's will for lives is sanctification. To be more like Him. For our hearts to be made more like Jesus'. With every scripture I read, it called me to examine my heart. Was I becoming more like Christ or not? Honestly, I was becoming more fearful, more timid. I was hiding more and speaking truth less. I was shutting down completely. That's not who God made me to be. And I long to be more like Christ. I don't want to shutter in fear, but rather cling to the gospel that makes me confident in the Lord. And so I concluded that it was time to

pursue being who God calls, rather than just doing what God calls.

Quitting my job and life as I knew it, with no idea where I was going, was one of the scariest things I have ever done. But God put an assurance in my heart and in the hearts of those who surrounded me. For that I am thankful. This is where I first started thinking about the phrase, "He has made you brave." For it is the Lord who gives me courage. Any of you who know me know that I am consumed by fear. I really struggle with it. But through Jesus, I am made brave. I am so thankful for this courage. His unwavering love that secures my heart. Not only did I need it to leave, but I need it to begin again. 

how long does it take to pack up an office?

...turns out about an hour if you have help loading your car.

I'm preparing to leave Florida and am so grateful for all the ways I see the Lord working. It has been a packed two years-full of sweetness,victories and struggle. This mountain/lake girl conquered the beach. My hippy side meshed with my classic, fresh out of gap side. I came to believe in God as my Comfort and He showed me how to pray again. I learned that I am not the protector of my heart and that because He is, I can continually open my heart. I learned to live with people. I have painted more and forced myself to stop being a baby and finally play bar chords. I started playing cello again (albeit poorly).
Right now I am so thankful for God's directional will in my life and that even though I don't know where I am headed, I can step out in faith and adventure knowing that being obedient to Him is what matters most. He is my Keeper and the Provider of all things. That is where I stand.
It is more than slightly overwhelming not to know where one will be in a month (or how they will get all there stuff there...does anyone know how to pull a trailer? b/c I don't), but there is something exciting about knowing that God knows what is best for my heart and that all things work together for my salvation. That means not just my justification, but daily. So I look forward to this part of my sanctification. What is it that will make my heart more like Jesus'. I think I'm about to find out.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I haven't updated in forever. I'm thinking maybe I should start back. Any thoughts? On one hand I like writing. On the other, it is a lot of energy to be witty. Input is welcome.

While I have your attention...here's a list:

1.) Read Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. You'll be glad you did.

2.) I want a Mac

3.) Friday Night Lights is my new favorite show. Can I marry Matt Saracen please?

4.) Want to know what I'm thankful for? Well, for one, I have interesting friends. Please ask me about the phone conversation I had today or about any of friends. They are well accomplished and talented. When people speak poorly of 20-somethings...I wonder who they are talking about, because the ones I know are kicking butt and taking names all while loving others really well.

5.) Lists are fun.

All Grown Up

Last night I was able to see some friends of mine from high school play a show at Jax Beach. It was really fun. It got me thinking on the way home about that particular time in my life. There were about 8 of us that spent a lot of time together. I was telling two of the boys last night that one of the things about growing up in a small town that I am thankful for is that we are all really creative. We learned to be self entertaining. We can take an afternoon with nothing to do and turn it into a great game or an epic adventure. (please ask me about my high school days sometime, the stories are endless and hilarious) And from that thought I starting thinking about all of us and almost all of us are living our dreams-some are rock stars, one is a missionary, one is a world traveler, one is a wife and mom, I'm doing youth ministry. I think that it is really rare that all of us, under 30, have accomplished this. And not only that, but we have been doing it for awhile.

I'm just really thankful for that and encouraged by this group of people that I was able to grow up with. That is all.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined" -Thoreau

restful Monday's and the age old question

This weekend I was sick. I don't get sick very often and I have never been sick like this. It wasn't a "I'm going to vomit on you" or even a runny nose sick. It was sharp pain, please cut out my sinuses sick. I had zero energy and in general was pretty grumpy. You know its bad when a 14 yr old tells you look awful. The sad part was that it was true. Also, my house was full of teenage girls. Which overall wasn't a bad thing, b/c I got some quality time with my students. However, what I didn't get was rest on my days off. All that to say, I took Monday off. After a slow morning and lunch with a friend, me and my favorite Wilkening girls (by favorite I mean youngest) headed over to the lake to hang out on the dock. It was beautiful. We read, slept, danced and I painted a little. It's amazing what two hours of peace and a little sun can do for your soul. Check facebook for pictures. And its scenery like that that makes me thankful for Florida...which doesn't happen often.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about life lately. That's not abnormal for me, I think too much. However, I keep coming back to where is my life heading. What does God have in store for me. I see my life going in two very different directions right now. Both involve building community and aiming to love people like Christ loves, but one is in a different country and the other is here. One involves minimalism, the other "normalcy." Both terrify me, but in a good way.

some thoughts

I would like to get back into updating this blog a little more often. I used to be good at it, then I stopped writing b/c it has an emotional toll and I wasn't willing to pay that. However, writing is fun and I miss doing it and for all 5 (6, including my mother) people who actually read this deal-I'm sure reading about the lizard escapade is getting a little old.

I've never wanted this space to be something where I pour my heart out, let's be honest, I've never been that vulnerable and sharing my heart with the world via blogger just seems unwise. However, I do want it to be a place where I am honest about life whether that be humor, sarcasm, or grievances. And I would like to start using this forum to do that again.

The last few months has been a time of growth for me. The Lord has revealed a lot to me and has begun to restore things that I thought were lost. I hope that it makes me better able to love those around me and to live the abundant life that God has promised. With all that said, all these things have required that I re-evaluate my goals. So I thought I would share some of those with you. Any thoughts are much appreciated. :)

1.) read The Brothers Karamozov (the book just sits on my shelf, mocking my intelligence)

2.) paint more, learn actual technique

3.) learn to play either banjo or drums

4.) brush up on piano and cello

5.) get a tan

6.) learn more about JAX

7.) places to visit in 2010: Austin, Seattle, Mobile, lakehouse

8.) convince my brother not to move to the other side of the country (at least attempt)

9.) learn Greek

10.) learn to solve a rubiks cube

11.) beat Adam Langley at stratego

...I was going to try to end on a good solid number, but I like to leave you all wanting more, so 11 it is.

p.s. If you were a Christian rapper, what would your name be? I'm going with 'lil princess (being that Sara means princess)