Silence and Hallelujahs

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I know I'm female and supposed to be capable of about a billion words an hour, but every now and then I just get quiet. And not the introverted quiet where I am actually processing through a ton of things, my mind just stills and my heart is peaceful and I really have nothing to say. Today is one of those days. My guess is that it is this way because of the past couple of months and, more specifically, the last two weeks. In these two weeks, I have been able to process through so much information, thoughts and emotions.

Last week I sat at the kitchen table of a woman I respect greatly. In the mere 20 minutes I was sitting there with her, I spilled out my whole heart. Not just the pieces and tidbits that I share on occasion with others, but every hope and fear. Things I really desire and questions I am normally too afraid to ask. And because she has this uncanny ability for silence to speak volumes, I kept talking until I think every bit of who I am was in tangible pieces on the dark wood tabletop. And so, we sorted through them.

I've thought a lot about that conversation and the experiences of the past 3 months. I see the Lord working in so many ways around me-He is clearly weaving His work all around in the lives of people around me. He is showing me so much of His redemption and the new creations He has made. I am left awestruck at how I see God's work in some of the people and families I am privileged to know. And so I am left with a curiosity that drives me more than I know how to share. What else is God doing? How is He using me? How is He sanctifying me? What is He calling me and others to do? Things that I thought were dead in me are being awakened to life again. Although they are good things, frankly, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I had become very comfortable with them being "gone."

But God seems to have different plans to work in my heart and show me how His love and His plan are better than my own. He truly knows what I need to be whole. I pray that I will cling to that in the future as He continues to sanctify me and make my heart more like His Son's.

There are so many things I am thankful for right now. So many ways that God is making my heart playful and renewed. It reminds me of why I named this blog "hallelujah." It's what I want to be the overflow of my heart. That at the end of everyday I will sing "hallelujah."

I am certain that there will be much struggle in the days to come. I am certain that my emotions are about to be catapulted from detached to very much engaged. I am certain that the next few months will not be what I view as easy. I am also certain that God is at work. That His goodness is where I stand. So, at the end of today, with grateful silence in my head, my heart says a confident hallelujah.

"...in repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Is 30:15