All that to say, last night I played scrabble with some really wonderful girls. Who I like and enjoy and really want to be friends with. However, our differences on what a game of Scrabble looks like, left me feeling pretty insecure. Mostly because I felt ridiculous and misunderstood (let's keep in mind that I didn't actually say any of this at the table, but beat them by a lot and let them call me a cheater in good fun, so everything I write is internal).
This isn't about Scrabble, it's about how we feel misunderstood by people. Especially when we are new in places and no one knows anything about us. It's about how we hide things we are good at (i.e. Scrabble) because we fear what people will think about us. I don't like being on display, nor do I like being a failure. So what do I do? Let myself be mediocre. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that is not what God has called me to be. Granted, I don't think God really cares if I keep my Scrabble skills under wraps, but I think He cares a great deal about the fact that I hide myself from people. That I don't invade their lives with love and encouragement or share my brokenness and how He is healing my wounds. I don't think God wants me to share mediocre Sara. I think He wants to be glorified through broken; silly, yet simultaneously deep; sarcastic; scrabble playing Sara.
I think He wants me, and us, to love recklessly...because love does not seek itself.
3 comments:
It's funny, because my view of you is as a person who is extremely loving and very open and true to herself. But i guess we all hide a little bit of who we are when we're not sure who others would like us to be.
And i was always impressed that you knew the rules so well for Scrabble, even though i wouldn't play because i knew i would do horribly. My brain tends to think in personal nouns and spanish, two things not allowed officially. :)
FB scrabble seems to allow some spanish words, strangely enough. It said I could play "ingles" the other day, although I didn't. It's hard to be open and vulnerable with strangers, for sure.
I wonder if secretly we want permission to be open and broken so we don't have to hide and put on fronts with others. But that's awfully scary too.
I wonder the same thing. I feel guilty sometimes b/c I know that if I would just be open first then everyone would be...that's really we all want anyway, but I'm a baby...so I don't.
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