The Weary World Rejoices

So often Christmas becomes about warm and fuzzy tradition. While the best kind of warm and fuzzies are lighted by Christmas lights, let's not forget that there is more than tradition. It is tradition that has come to be because of the gospel and the hope that saturates this season. I love hymns and Christmas hymns are the very best, because when else do you get to say "Hark!"? Also, because, they are songs that Christians have been using to praise the Lord for a long time and they are rich and full. This year instead of just singing them because it’s Christmas, I've been really pondering what they mean and the music that goes with them. Here are some favorite lines (in list form, obviously):

1. O come, O come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appears. (O Come, O Come Emmanuel)  

(really this whole song..."and drive away the shade of night and deaths dark shadows put to flight")

2. A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices (O Holy Night)


3. The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger, in our trials He's born to be our friend. He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, behold your King before Him lowly bend (O Holy Night)     
(no one ever sings this part and its really, really unfortunate)

4.  He comes to make his blessings flow, far as the curse is found. (Joy to the World)

And the last thing. I love that this season we celebrate a Savior who comes to us. He draws near to a weary world. The Son of God appears to a needy and weak people ushering "a thrill of hope" in our bruised and broken hearts. There are hard things going on in and around us. We are exhausted and scared, helpless and harassed. But this season, we remember to rejoice because there is a great hope. In all of my brokenness, Jesus comes to redeem. In all the ways that sin and the curse turn my life upside down, the Savior comes to make His blessings flow by turning things right side up. And I don't have to wait for it. There is no line to stand in and no patience to be had, because in this Jesus took the initiative. He has come. He is near. Behold your King. 

Uncertainty and Surety

(preface: I'm not actually sure I'm old enough to be writing this. On the other hand, this is probably one of those lessons that we learn deeper and deeper, so consider this part one. Also, shout out to Hal(lelujah) Wilkening for posting the Andrew Peterson song that follows. Hal (and Andrew) are both significantly wiser than I have ever thought of being)

     At one point in time, maybe when I was in college or so, I can remember thinking that as I grew up life would get easier. Maybe not easier, but more efficient. Life lessons would turn into collective wisdom and I would be able to better navigate life. I, like the adults I was watching, would become more and more capable. And it would be awesome.

     That's not real.

     I think I peaked around 22. That's when I felt the most sure about everything.When I left school I was nervous and anxious, but for the most part, I felt capable. Ready to take on the world.

     Bah.

     Fast forward a few years and a lot of lives lived and this is what I know: pretty much nothing. I'm less sure of almost everything than I was at 22. And maybe I'm finally in on the secret to adulthood-we're all just doing our best. Our best to not destroy everything we touch. Our best to love those around us. Our best to live well. That takes a lot of prayer, intention and a large measure of grace. Life isn't a science, folks. It's an art.

     And I have grown. There is collective wisdom that has accumulated. I am better equipped to handle things because of how the Lord has been at work in my life, but it doesn't always make things easier. The battles around me and inside me are still very real and very complicated. I wasn't quite prepared for life to feel like a hamster wheel sometimes. At my age I don't feel like I should keep waiting for the real grownups to appear and make everything better, but I do. Then I realize that I am one of the real grownups and people expect me to be able to straighten things out. 

     There is an exception to this growing uncertainty I feel. Jesus. I am more and more sure of Him than I have ever been. He is my Surety. All the "collective wisdom" I have is this: Christ is King. And He loves His people. The Lord is at work and because He is moving, I can breathe. And live. He moves towards all of my fear and uncertainty. Never once has He left me in my anxiety or waiting. He has, ever so patiently, taught truth to my heart.

     So even in my uncertainty-in my not knowing-there is One who knows. Even better, the One who knows, loves his children and so even when I don't know, I trust. There is so much hope in being able to trust. So much freedom. Hallelujah.

     

Let's all wear Flannel!

     Remember when Katy Perry's California Girls came out? Me too. That was a time. Driving back from the beach one evening, some sweet friends and I rewrote it to be Presbyterian girls, because we're really funny (and cute). To my recollection it went something like this:

Presbyterian girls, we're unforgettable.

Rainbow shoes and v-necks on top.

Sunkissed tans, so hot in our one pieces

Oh oh oh oh

     I'll spare  you the rest, but we were pretty pleased with our rewrite. You're welcome Katy.

     Why do I bring this up other than we all need a laugh after the last 4 serious posts? Because there are some distinct boundaries in how denominations dress. Seriously. It takes about .3 nanoseconds to figure out what kind of church a Christian woman goes to. And that's not to say that any of the denominations are better dressers than another, but different for sure. Here are my observations (and, ya'll, this is meant to be funny, so just take a deep breath and laugh a little*).

1. Presbyterian Girls (my own kind)-are we southern, are we indie mountain folk? That's the question. We wear pearls with our flannel and chacos with our skirts. Messy buns are our hair style of choice. But seriously. We put ourselves together well, but we're laid back and easy going. I like to think we're simple in our elegance. We can't be overly done because at any point we may have to defend Calvin or Luther and you just can't do that well when hindered by a puffy vest. Trust me. Also, our hair isn't going to be perfectly styled everyday, because grace says that I don't have to turn my straightening iron on every day of my life. Hallelujah! Wispies are beautiful.

2. Non Denominational Girls-also laid back, but always pulled together. They think in outfits and have conquered the basics adorned with unique pieces look. And my hat goes off to them. They will wear a puffy vest over a basic striped long-sleeved shirt and it will look fantastically effortless. Where Presby girls love a crossbody bag, non-denom girls love a good graphic tote. They can fit more journals in there than other bags. Their hair is on point. Not overly done, but they put effort into it. It's probably straight and pinned back on one side with fantastic volume. And it will hold up all day. #endurance

3. Baptist Girls

    See above, but bigger hair and earrings.

You're welcome internet. You're welcome.

*Also, this may or may not be based on random not so thought through thoughts. Welcome to my brain! Enjoy!

Pretty Fall Flower on my desk

Those Dixon kids keeping it classy

Anthony Edwards and Healing People

"That evening at sundown they brought to him all who were sick or oppressed by demons. And the whole city was gathered together at the door. And he healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons."

-Mark 1:32-34a

     Summer after freshman year of college was spent at home working at various week long camps. In between camps, I watched a ridiculous amount of ER reruns. Dr Greene was my favorite character because he was just wonderful. There is this one episode where Dr Greene is frustrated by the amount of hospital policy and the growing number of patients in the waiting room who need attention. At the end of the episode a nurse walks out and sees him in the waiting room treating patients. Moving from seat to seat bandaging wounds and kneeling face to face with each patient. The nurse is taken aback that such an important doctor was in the waiting room dealing with such minor injuries. She asks him what he is doing. He says, "having fun." 

     I don't know what Jesus's disposition was to the sick people who were flooding him at the time, but I like to imagine it like the scene above. Jesus kneeling face to face with each of the sick and oppressed. Looking them in the eye and bringing them to health. 

     A pastor told me once that it wasn't so much that Jesus healed people, but that people caught his health. I don't fully understand that statement, but I like the idea that health is contagious. We see that in the world around us. That's why people go to therapy. Part of their healing is experiencing a healthy relationship. Part of our sanctification is experiencing the health of Jesus through the Spirit. As we come to know Him more, he heals us with His presence and Truth.

     When I watched the scene of Dr Greene that summer, I wanted to identify with his character. To be going from person to person, caring for them. And, hopefully, by God's grace I will be enabled to love that way. But let's not miss the point. We aren't the healer. We are the wounded. The sick. The oppressed. We are the needy ones. The folks that need to be seen and healed by a merciful, tender and healthy Savior. And we can find rest in that relationship. That he will "make us lie down in green pastures." He will restore his children.

Life, Death and a Day at Jesus's House

      John 1:35-39 is one of the most interesting passages to me. Sometimes I get frustrated because I want Scripture to give me a day to day of Jesus's life. I want the silly, the boring, the normal. So, I love this glimpse. Can you imagine? Seeing Jesus and when he turns to you asking what you want. And you want to know where he is staying (I'm thinking that was their cop out question, because, hey, what do you ask the Lamb of God? I got tongue tied when I met Javy Lopez in ninth grade and he was just a baseball catcher, not the Savior). And do you know what Jesus does? He invites them over! That simple. He tells them to come hang out. And they do. For the whole day.
     In my head the day kind of went like a slow football Saturday which are some of my favorite kinds of days. Easy. Slow. Fun. Quality time because nothing is forced. But I have no Scriptural evidence of that. Just hope. And imagination. Anyhow, I love this passage because I think it is important to remember that not only did Jesus give his life up for us in death, but he gave his life up for us in how he lived. He died and LIVED sacrificially. With love. If I were in Jesus's place that day, I probably wouldn't have invited those guys to my house because I'm introverted (and its so easy to hide behind that label in our culture right now) or my house was messy (and the judgement of a messy house ends friendships...or so I've heard) or strangers are the worst. But he didn't. He sacrificed a quiet day to allow people into his life. To make time and space to love them. To know them.
      Jesus gives us a lot of examples like this. He weeps with Mary and Martha instead of telling them to buck up and deal. He stops to heal. He goes to a tax collector's house for dinner. He sacrifices. And not only in what we are shown, but in what we aren't. He sacrifices a steady home, a wife and children. A "normal" life. He chose not to do those things, because he was moving towards the cross. And let's not forget that His existence didn't start the day he was born in a manger. He has always been. That means He gave up 33 years in heaven to live on earth FOR us. And that makes no sense to my finite mind, but I know its true and it makes my heart grateful.

"We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers." 1 John 3:16

     For me, it's important to remember that when I'm thinking about loving other people like Jesus, it's not just in sacrificing our lives, but sacrificing our day to day. Our normal. It's making space and room to love others like Jesus did that day for John's disciples. 

Shame, Speeding Tickets and Senior Homecoming

  "And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming." 1 John 2:28

     How is it that we can have confidence when approaching God at his return? That question was posed to a group a few days ago and I loved getting to hear the conversation unpack this idea. Why would we, sinful, shameful and helpless, get to boldly approach the Lord? Immediately, I thought of this story.
     And it's the same with our Heavenly Father. We approach him confidently because He wipes away our shame with His love. There is no need to shrink away, no reason to hide, because when He loves you he is your safe place. So abide in Him just like verse 28 says. Rest in Him who takes away your shame and allows you to confidently come to Him.
     My dad is great. He's funny and he loves me and he is gentle with me and puts up with all my shenanigans. I think he may even enjoy said shenanigans. And he wants me to do good things. He has expectations. Growing up I never wanted to disappoint him. Fast forward to senior year homecoming.
     It had been a terrible (except now its hilarious because of how ridiculous it all was) week that ended with the whole senior class getting a talking to from the police on my best friend's front porch. We have photo evidence if you don't believe me. And I had to take the SAT on Saturday morning and I didn't feel like it went well. I was walking a thin line and I knew it. So when I got pulled over that afternoon for my very first speeding ticket, I was done. Toast.
     I was embarrassed by how I had been behaving. Mad and surprised because I really didn't think I was speeding. Ashamed that 18 year olds couldn't build a stupid float without fighting with the class behind them. Nothing felt right. I didn't feel right. My shame was great.
     As I pulled into my driveway knowing that my father was the only one home, I tried to think about how I would tell him. How could I frame this so it wasn't so bad? And I walked in the front door, because growing up I only used the front door when I wanted to hide something, but there he was. Standing in the kitchen.
     But something strange happened. Instead of shrinking away and hiding, I burst into tears and fell into his arms. And I cried a lot because I was weary and couldn't do it anymore. And he loved me. And laughed at me a little which made me feel loved all the more. And I realized that when faced with disappointing my father, the fact that I am his daughter trumps all. I don't have to hide, but can come to him with my failures.

     And it's the same with our Heavenly Father. We approach him confidently because He wipes away our shame with His love. There is no need to shrink away, no reason to hide, because when He loves you he is your safe place. So abide in Him just like verse 28 says. Rest in Him who takes away your shame and allows you to confidently come to Him.

In This is Love

    1 John has been one of my favorite books in the past decade of life, so it is much to my delight to be studying it in my small group.

    The book continually  talks about love. About following God's commands. Sin and sanctification. And the steady beat of the Holy Spirit's work. It is beautiful and challenging. Chapter 4 has always been a favorite of mine. It gets real clear about distinguishing what love looks like.  But looking at chapter 2, it's the same idea. John keeps talking about the way we do things versus the way God does them (specifically loving). He tells us to walk in the light and obey God's commandments. To obey the old commandment, but also that it is a new commandment. No longer do we love people as ourselves, but to love them like Jesus. John continues to point out our brokenness and need to rely on the Holy Spirit by differentiating between how we love things and how God loves things.

    Loving others in the way that Jesus loves, well that's a little overwhelming because the way we love is broken. Even as redeemed people, my sin makes my love, aside from Jesus, broken. I love based on what is good for me. I love those who are easy to love-those who love me first. But God doesn't love that way. He initiates. Because of His character-his kindness, goodness, mercy and truth. He loves based on need. He, sacrificially, moves towards brokenness and neediness to bring restoration through His love.

     And he commands me to do the same. Sometimes His commands feel a little like what I think drowning would be like-confusing and helpless and overwhelming. That's because I fail at them and enjoy my sin. It's not that His commands are bad, its that my heart is. But His commands aren't meant to strangle us, they are meant to give life. There is a goodness to the commands He gives. A life of obedience is better. Instead of being selfish, I GET to love. Rather than being fearful, I GET to live free. It's not self protection that rules my relationships, but I GET to move towards others unashamed. Indeed, it is better to live in the light than in the darkness. His commands aren't burdensome, because obedience is sweet. He designed it that way. As we are drawn by His love to obey His commands more and more, we come to love the command Giver more and more.

  To me, this is what 1 John encompasses: learning to live in a better way. Walking in obedience to a loving God as He sanctifies us and changes our heart. It's about coming to understand how sanctification works and trusting the Spirit to be at work in our lives as we fall short of obedience yet long to follow God's commands. It helps with the in between parts of life. With the practicalities of life by showing us the bigger picture, the philosophy and, ultimately, the theology.


For funnsies...here are some pictures. You're welcome.

Just the five of us.

St Augustine Shenanigans

lakeside summer bonfire

oh happy day with some of my very favorites

teaching the coworkers how to take a selfie

Lastly, if you aren't following my dear friend/sister, Karen's, adventures abroad...well, then, I just don't understand you as a human being

Sunday Ramblings

    Guilt fills my heart because I haven't written here in so long. In my defense, I did move and start life over, so I've been a little busy. So be kind, blogger. You're judgement is just too much. And let's be honest, we've had an on/off relationship since 2006, so you should be used to it by now.

Moving on...

    So life is all new (ish). I've moved back to my hometown. New apartment. New job. New co-workers. New routine. New people all around. And for the post part, I'm enjoying every moment. My heart is filled with gratitude to the Lord and the way He weaves lives together. It's fun. And hard. The newness as it turns to oldness. It's been particularly difficult as my sin shows up in places that there hasn't been room for it before. The ugliness of my overwhelming brokenness flares in my insecurities and inability to trust Jesus. It bears its teeth in how I seek my own way rather than seeking the culture of the Kingdom and, ultimately the nature of Jesus. It is ever present in my irritability and fearful heart-the things that keep me from serving others wholeheartedly.

    The only good news about these things (and it is GOOD), is that seeing my sin pushes me to the One who saves. The One who loves when I am terribly unlovely. The One who is enough when I simply am not.

    And as I continue to learn to live in grace and His enoughness, I am thankful to be doing that in community. With people who are also learning to live this way and have been made gracious enough to remind me and the others around them to look to Jesus. To repent and believe the Gospel in the most practical of ways and the most profound ways.

    To end, here's a list of things that are great about life now and things that I miss from life of old, because we all know about my love affair with lists.

1. Weekends. Weekends are so long! Did you know we get a vacation every week? I didn't. And I'm enjoying it. Sometimes on Saturdays I forget and get sad, then am really excited because I have Sundays to rest and play with friends. Really, its just nice to be on schedule with the most of the rest of the world (except I need to get my oil changed and my hair cut which is proving difficult to schedule).

2. Students. I miss them and their stories and seeing how the Lord is at work in them.

3. Creating. The amount of design and communication work I do is SO fun.

4. Coffee shops. There is no working in coffee shops in my life right now and that's just sad.

5. People. I get to see my family pretty much whenever I want. I have friends and a bible study. That's a dream. Even when I get irritated with our group messaging, I'm immediately thankful that I have something to be annoyed with. Coworkers are great, the South is great.

That's enough. For funnsies-here's a picture of my grandmother, my mom and me. Mom was so excited about this cotton candy. And it turned her mouth blue which was hilarious.

On Why Church Staff Shouldn't be Allowed on Reality TV

     I like reality tv and most of friends/family like some sort of reality tv show. Thus, I consider myself an expert at all things reality game show. From Survivor and The Amazing Race to Big Brother and MTV's Challenge, I've seen them or had conversations about them. After being forced to watch the Amazing Race with my folks about a month ago (I just can't get into that one, but I love mom and dad, so I watch it with them when I'm home #favoritechild), I started developing a theory as to why Reality TV should never allow church staff on their shows. And here's why: we'll dominate the competition and take your money/trips/prizes like stealing candy from a baby. In fact, we would consider it a vacation and a delight. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Food Challenges: Oh you want me to eat something slimy, stinky and from a different culture? Cute. Have you ever been to a potluck? There is really no telling what is in Aunt Jo's tuna surprise and we church staff have to learn to down that stuff with an excited smile like it's a cupcake on our birthday. And once I swallowed a goldfish...from wal-mart.  Enough said.

2. Weird games: These are basically just youth group games. Walking across swinging logs hanging 50ft over piranha infested water? We did that on our last youth retreat and you know what I got for it? 100 points. POINTS!!! Those are made up. You are offering real life prizes at the end of it. I didn't even get a Frisbee with the trip's logo on it. Tell those piranha's that they aren't getting dinner tonight, because I'm coming for your money. Thanks.

3.  Political Game: It's called relationships and hard decisions. And a poker face. Have you sat through a church committee meeting? People haven't know what I've really been thinking since 1998. Bring it.

4.  Out of the Blue Challenges: Generally, these include some kind of art project like calligraphy and gold foiling or a puzzle like a tangram. We do gold foiling in VBS along with leather bracelet making and frosting glass, so basically I've been preparing for this challenge since I was 4. And puzzles, what do you think I've been doing during all the aforementioned committee meetings? I stopped paying attention after the first 2, so the last 102,908 meetings have been spent playing Words with Friends and some funny moving a box game and building an incredible amount of mental patience, fortitude and a particular fondness for winning. Why don't you just hand me "the largest amount of money that [insert network name here] has ever given away" and save everyone the trouble? It's not even going to be fun for America to watch.

5. Being blindsided: yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's my rant to reality tv folks. You're playing a GAME. A GAME. You signed up for it, so why do you keep crying about being "blindsided"? I get "blindsided" all the time. I call it a typical Thursday. You know when I last got blindsided? On my way the bathroom during church this morning. And, trust me, there was no game involved.

6. Scary Challenges: Small spaces, darkness, being locked in a coffin. Oh, you mean a junior high lock in? If I can make through one of those, I can make it through your "scary." Snooze. Wake me up when it's over.

7. Sleeping in weird places: All reality shows have weird sleeping arrangements. Sometimes you sleep in the airport, some in a hut, some with really crazy roommates. Last summer I had to share a room with nine high school girls. My bed was inverted, so I slept with my feet above my head. Once, I slept on a wood floor. There was a tin roof, no walls. For the past eight years, I just keep a sleeping bag in my car because there is no telling what I'm walking into. I can handle your airports.

8. Intuition: A large part of reality TV shows is figuring out the roles that your competitors are going to play and finding the appropriate role for your self accordingly. This requires both observation and the ability to adapt. In ministry we call this "wearing lots of hats." Basically, in a given day church staff is going to go from being a janitor to a counselor to a graphic designer to a chauffeur to a CEO and back again about twenty times. Try to keep up. We don't have time to explain it to you. And we do it seamlessly, without anyone knowing any different.

9. Getting along with others: Here's the crazy part. We actually, genuinely like other people (well, not everyone), so we easy get along with others. We're very pleasing that way.

10. Not taking things personally: yeah, if we did that, we probably wouldn't ever leave our houses. We've developed an appropriately thick skin.


     Reality shows be warned. Pastors, worship leaders, tech guys, youth ministers and (especially) church secretaries are incredibly capable of the things you throw at them. If you ask me, a GREAT reality show would be to throw in all church staff and see who cracks first. My guess is that the church business administrator would take home the big prize. Who's in? NBC? ABC? CBS? Oprah's Network? I'll help you develop it. You're welcome.

Monday Afternoon Distraction

Lists. How  I love them. I've missed them on this little blog o' mine. So here you. Just a few quick thoughts.

1. Just checked the stats for posts. My post about the bachelor got the most visits BY FAR. Regardless of your position on the Bachelor, we all love talking about it (and, apparently, reading about it).

2. Hello sunshine! 

     A little Vitamin D changes everything (also, is time to wear chacos again, because my feet are getting            seriously claustrophobic.)

3. I tried baking apple crisp yesterday to be like my friend, Catherine. I learned a lot about failure. Sorry, Cath!

4. Birchbox...you're still my favorite treat. Thank you for the amazing smelling perfume that I would bathe in if socially acceptable. Also, this month's box was out of this world. If you're reading this and don't have a subscription (male or female), I don't understand your existence.

5. Kayaks. I want to buy one. You should get one, too, and we can explore.

6. I'm so excited for the Veronica Mars movie that my head may explode. Pre-ordering tickets. Who wants one? #judgeme #teamlogan Also, its really interesting to see the fan support behind the project. Their kickstarter story is fascinating.

7. Afternoon distraction.

    "Nooooooooo." "I don't want to talk about it" (me, too, kid. Me, too)

That's all I've got for today, folks. Hope this little list is nice break from your afternoon.

A Steady Assurance

   One of the things I'm learning about is the steady assurance that comes from following Jesus. It's a weird thing to really apply to everyday life (at least for anxious, control freak me). What does it mean to live in light of the face that I belong to Jesus and to another Kingdom. The currency, culture and core beliefs of Christ's kingdom are not the same as the world around me. And because it isn't the same, I have a hard time fully trusting the assurance that comes with citizenship.
    Two times this I've had interactions impacting my heart about assurance. The first was while reading A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by Eugene Peterson. There is a whole chapter about security and the implications about how security impacts how we live now. A lot of the chapter focuses on our feelings. Just because I feel anxious or afraid doesn't mean that God is any less sovereign or loving. Just because I feel chaos and insecurity doesn't mean that my position of security has changed. Most of the time, my feelings (or my gut, whatever you want to call it) have a much larger impact on what I deem reality than they should. Although how I feel matters, it doesn't change my position or my citizenship in the Kingdom.

My feelings are important for many things. They are essential and valuable. They keep me aware of much that is true and real. But they tell me next to nothing about God or my relation to God. My security comes from who God is, not from how I feel.

-Eugene Peterson

     The other encounter was with a dear friend waiting on some news. She's in a weird limbo place. The not knowing. That is my least favorite place in the whole world. It's awful. We talked about how scary this place is and she told me, "You know what is really scary? Dealing with this and not knowing the Lord." And she was right. As believers we can face the unknown with the confidence that not only are we not alone, but we are guided and loved by the all knowing Creator. And that place isn't so scary. Like when my brother and I were kids and my parents told us to hop in the car. We didn't know where we going or when we would be home, but we knew that our parents loved us and weren't going to lead us into a gang fight (whoa...that was a little dramatic...you get the picture) or put us in harm's way. And the best part was that they were going to be there with us. 

     So many times we face life with anxiety and fear, but for those in Jesus we can go assuredly knowing that our position is secure and He walks with us.

The Bachelor and Storytelling

     I watch the Bachelor. It's fun and entertaining and fascinating. I also get lots of flack for watching the Bachelor. It's trashy, sinful, negatively influences society, etc, etc.We're not going to debate the pros and cons of television and entertainment right now, but I do want to talk about the beautiful glimpses of humanity. About the times when someone's story, and honesty, are a simple part of fighting for Truth and, therefore, Kingdom work.

     In a world full of lies and chaos, its beautiful and refreshing to hear the truth. To hear someone's story. Stories are powerful. God tells stories. Through Scripture and through his people. Sometimes its hard to see our own lives as a beautiful piece of art (Gal 1:10) because we are living them, but when someone else tells their story, the one that God is writing, we are reminded that God is always at work. He's writing, weaving and speaking a story. But its not our story at all, its HIS story that he writes us into. And when we tell our piece of the story, others are reminded that there is a bigger story going on.

    So former bachelor, Sean Lowe, shares his story (lots of folks share their story on iamsecond.com and its wonderful). He talks about failure, reality tv, his family...all things that Lord has written in his story. And I love that he talks about doubt. At one point he talks about how he wrestled with whether he was doing what the Lord wanted or not. And I appreciate that, because a lot of people (myself included) wrestle with that.

    Head over to iamsecond to watch a few of the videos and tell your story. And listen to others' stories-the guy at the grocery store, the lady making your coffee, your parents and friends. All those stories matter because they make up this one grand story that's all about Jesus.

I'm Weird, You're Chivalrous

   So if you've had to spend even a nano second with me, you know that I can be a little socially awkward. Not like spits when I talk awkward, but just a little uncomfortable. Hey, I'm cool with it. Let's just pretend it's cute (it's not). Today I ate lunch at Barberitos (Barberitos>Chipotle>Moes>Qdoba just so we are all on the same page). Who knew that Cary got such a cool place that is from the great city of Athens, GA? I digress. I'm walking towards the door on my way in and in front of me are three men about my age-ish. The last one holds the door open for me. I say thank you and flash a southern smile, because I'm grateful and appreciate the effort and awareness that went into that gesture. Now here's where it gets dicey. As we go to get in line, I assume that he will go around me to where his two friends are standing. That to me would be expected. Be with your friends. BUT HE DOESN'T. Is this man really so kind and chivalrous that he will stand behind me in line? And so I don't know what to do. I make ample room for him to walk by me, but he holds his ground. I want to say, "hey, friend, thanks for being kind, but really go hang with your buddies" but I don't because I don't want to reject his kindness. It was weird and uncomfortable and I had no idea what to do. As we moved through the line ordering our food (me a vegetarian burrito, him the largest nachos I've ever seen in my whole life) we said a few words to each other. He talked to his friends a bit. Maybe he wasn't uncomfortable at all. Eventually, I just embraced it and moved on. It was kind and I really was so thankful that he considered me.

So, friends and readers, what was the right thing to do? Fellas-I'm especially interested in what you have to say. Was I selfish and ridiculous for not offering to let him join his friends or is it better to simply accept the offer?

Regardless, thank you kind sir at Barberitos today for how you treated me. It did not go unnoticed and it was much appreciated. I'm so sorry for not knowing how to handle these situations well.

Tuesday Humor

   It's Tuesday (but it feels like Wednesday) and its been rainy (but the sun is coming out) and sometimes you need a humor break (because, apparently, you're a little confused). Driving to the office earlier, I was thinking about really funny things that have been said to me and it made me laugh really, really hard. Allow me to share. I hope you think they are funny, too, otherwise I'm just laughing alone and that can be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

1. "That was a bad idea" -me
    "You know what else was a bad idea? When mommy and daddy Dixon got together and decided to     have a baby" -Mike Langford, boss at the time, friend for life*

2. "I can't walk on eggshells around your mother. She'll hate the sound and they may be brown"
    -Pops on Mom's brown egg prejudice and sound sensitivities

3. "Sara, I'm going to need you to loosen that Bible belt a little"
    -the former significant other on my movie legalism

4. "I hate my new shampoo" -me
    "That's why I don't use SHAM-poo, I use the real poo"-Pops

5. while watching our 2 week old cousin:
   "When will she open her eyes?"-Baby Brother
   "When she wakes up, she's not a squirrel."**

6. "Let me tell you a story about your grandmother. Well she talks to much..."
    -Pappy

*this is the funniest thing that has ever been said to me. The wit and timing and unexpectedness were unbelievable. I was left in shock. Well played, Mike.
**maybe you had to be there for that one, but keep in mind the brother was 18 and should probably know that human babies are born with eyes that open. Also, the poor baby brother will never live this one down.

Please, Don't Get Hit By a Car

     Earlier today my family checked into a hotel. While I was carrying my stuff in, I walked into the road nonchalantly as a car was headed my way. The people in the window of the hotel looked at me like I was crazy (you probably think I'm crazy, too, because stepping into the road with little care as a car comes toward you isn't the most normal thing to do).

     But I knew something that you and those hotel window people didn't know. My dad was driving the car coming my way. He knew that I was carrying things in. He knew I was in the road. And I knew, because my father was driving that car, that what I was doing was ok. Even if everyone else thought it was crazy.

     That's how life can be sometimes. Everyone else thinks that what you're doing is crazy, but you know that because the Father in heaven loves you and knows you that it is ok, good and right to follow Him. People don't understand the things we do sometimes because they don't understand our Father. And that's okay, because we can move forward in confidence trusting Him.

Happiness

   This past weekend was spent with friends in Atlanta celebrating at a wedding. It was lovely and fun and beautiful and everything that a wedding is supposed to be. But this isn't a post about that.

   At the reception I was talking to a dear friend that I haven't seen in a few years. I have tremendous respect for him and especially for his commitment to the church. It's rare this day and age for a twenty something man to be committed to the life of a body of believers. And that's respectable.
   As we were catching up, he asked if I was happy. In the general, big kind of way. And I didn't know how to respond. I don't really even remember what I said. It's a hard question and even though I know what he meant, I'm not sure it's a question I can answer.
   The truth is some days I am happy. And some days I am not. Right now, I'm learning a ton about God's discipline and so the happy days are a little farther apart than I care for. But overall, I'm not sure I'll ever be "happy". Whatever that is supposed to mean. I will always want things I can't have. I will always be selfish and prideful and people are going to irritate the gosh darn dickens out of me. And, let's be honest, I drive myself insane. There is always struggle and there is always hardship and that's because I struggle to trust Jesus. And word on the street is that doesn't get any easier with age.
   I think the kind of happiness that people look for is this overarching, movie-like, purpose found, "I am pleased with where my life is and where I'm heading" kind of happy. And I'm just not convinced that's real. It just feels deceptive to me. And here's why: I have a family that I like to be around, I have sweet friends and for eight years I've been doing a job I'm passionate about and you know what, some days suck. Some weeks are miserable and some seasons make me want to curl up fetal position on the floor and not talk to anyone for months. And I'm okay with that. From where I'm standing, that's normal. Because God never tells us that easy is how we know that he is at work in our lives. He is at work in our lives in the happiest of days and crappiest of days. All that happens is ordained as best for his children and somehow he works it all to advance his kingdom. That's better than happy.
   So am I happy? Depends on the day. I'm at a place where happy is less of a goal and trust is more of goal. And I'm going to need that to be okay with everyone.


(looking over this makes me afraid that I'm depressed and don't realize it...the weather has been rather gray for the past few weeks, but I think I'm okay. Oh dear...I'll be out running through the leaves if you need me)
 
 

Those Who Listen

   A few years ago I had a serious crush on a boy. We were in that weird, are we/aren't we stage and it was killing me. Not to mention that we didn't live in the same state, so things were challenging. I remember that most of friends told me to move on. Get over it. That made me feel sad, helpless and hopeless. Something wasn't sitting right. So I had lunch with the wonderful and wise and funny Joann (aka JoJo).
   Going into lunch I was nervous to say anything about the situation because I felt like just letting it go was the thing to do and I didn't want to hear one more person tell me the same thing because those words were painful. But, JoJo is just so lovely and easy to tell things to and after a few probing questions I was spilling out the story. And I braced myself for her sympathetic rebuke. But it didn't come.
   You know what she told me? She said, "Sara, is he a believer?" Yes.  "Well then the great news is that he listens to Jesus, so you know what we're going to do? We are going to ask Jesus to work and move." It was the most hopeful, uplifting and encouraging words. I went from defeated to hopeful. And not just because I could do something, but because I was reminded of who orders our lives. I can go to Him with my desires and He cares. They matter to Him. And He speaks back, lovingly weaving our hearts and lives back to Him.
 
   I remember those words a lot. That I don't have to be in despair, because when my heart aches for something, there is One who is always at work. It doesn't mean that we always get the things we are wanting (case in point, said boy and I never ended up anywhere), but it does mean that God works inside of us to bring peace and joy.
   There are things that I want right now and I started to feel overwhelmed and lost. But then I remembered that God is at work, in my life and in the live of other folks. It is to Him that I can make my petition knowing that He is a Father who gives good gifts.

For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men. -Lamentations 3:31-33

Was that on Purpose?

   You know what is really fun? Concerts. Love them. A few nights ago I went to a Ben Rector concert. So good and so entertaining. For the love, check him out. And go see him live, its a good show.

   Ben is super fun to watch and does a good job at getting the crowd involved (even me who hates being told what to do...sometimes I don't want to clap, so stop being so pushy...know what I mean?). Something happened that was really interesting to me. Now I don't know Ben, I'm sure he's a cool dude and I certainly don't know his intentions with this move, but he got everyone to sing along with the lyric "and you don't need Jesus until you're here." The context of the line is that we realize how needy we are when our hearts are breaking. I was just so intrigued by the fact that he got a whole room full of people (certainly not all of them believers) to sing Jesus's name and a need of him when they hurt. He put Jesus's name in our mouths. There were a lot of folks there and, more than likely, buddy had the rest of the audiences on his tour sing the same thing. That's a lot of people singing about Jesus.
   Now, I'm not saying that it was worship. I am hoping and praying that those words, put in peoples' mouths, cause thought. Or that when folks are in that place of crisis and hurt, they remember the words they sang along that night.
   Regardless, it was a fascinating thing. And beautiful.

Tide, Breakfast for Dinner and Girls' Singing Voices

   This has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about, but I just want everyone to know that 60-something year old man sitting at the table next to me at Caribou just went to exchange his cookie because it didn't have enough chocolate in it. I can support that.

   I'm a lot to handle. A little saucy and too ridiculous. And who needs transition time? Not me. I can go from serious to silly in .2 nanoseconds. And even though I know that I'm a bit much, I've always considered myself pretty easy. I'm not a lot of work and pretty flexible. Yesterday, it dawned on me that that's not so true.
    So here's the deal. I'm sick. Like I had to go to the doctor and get antibiotics sick. That stinks. And you know what started the whole mess? Allergies. I'm allergic to the outside and to certain dogs and cats. And that means that people have to make room for that. But that's not that abnormal, so generally I don't worry too much about it. But in the midst of being sick this week and people having to make room for me, I had to do laundry (I know...tragic). And I share a laundry room with other folks and they have a big container of Tide detergent that everyone uses. Isn't that kind? It is. But guess what-I'm allergic to Tide. And on top of that, I hate peanut butter and tomato soup and peas and iced tea and coffee and breakfast for dinner. I think that most girls singing voices sound horrific. Going on a walk by myself sounds like a great idea and talking in the morning is horrible. You know what all of this amounts to? I'm high maintenance. Ahhhh...I hate that. 
    And I hide it. Even from myself, until Monday around 11:27am. I tried to sneak in my detergent and put it on a different shelf, because I don't want anyone to think that I'm a diva. And I don't tell people that peas are gross, I just don't eat them. And I avoid folks in the morning and sometimes I wait until no one is in the common room before I leave the house, just because I don't feel like saying anything (fyi...I really love the folks I live with and enjoy spending time with them). 
    Why do we hide our quirks? Because it's easier. But you know what I think? I think that we are all kind of high maintenance. And we should probably be a little more open about it. Because I don't care if you like knitting and Christian coffee shop music is your favorite. If you want to drink coffee every morning and eat bacon at night, that's cool. I'll drink tea and eat cereal with you. And you probably don't mind switching to Gain instead of Tide and growing up my mom didn't mind making me a turkey sandwich instead of PB&J. 
    The beautiful part about us all being so high maintenance is that when we made room for each other and know each other, the difficult parts aren't that difficult. They just are. And that's the pretty part about relationships.

 

Perceptions

  During college I worked for a super fun ministry and one weekend we were in the mountains. After our Friday night meeting some of the host moms were gushing over the worship leader/speaker. And I get it, he was really handsome and loved the Lord and the music was really worshipful and he talked about Jesus. But these ladies just kept going on and on about how great he was and they kept talking about how he is a great example of a man who loves Jesus. (For the record, he was really great and I don't want the rest of the story to say that he isn't...this isn't about his character).
  Well here's the thing. Right after he finished speaking, he went to one of the other girl leaders and confessed that the whole time he really had to poop. Yeah, I said that (sorry mom). He had to go to the bathroom and he was really gassy. So although he loved the Lord, the urgency and passion that came across during worship and the teaching was much more practical than spiritual.
  I've thought about this story for many years. Chiefly because I think it is hilarious, but also because it reveals a lot about our lives. Sometimes what comes across on the outside, has a totally different origin than we would imagine. Sometimes we are full of emotional, mental and spiritual connection and sometimes we are completely distracted. The perception of us and the reality of us can be worlds apart.

 But we choose.

We have a choice in how to worship and how to glorify the Lord at any given moment.

  Isn't it interesting what perceptions are tied to? The surface layer and assumptions, but there is so much more. And God calls for all of it. And Jesus fills the gap between us and that demand because we can't do it. In that is where the freedom from perception is found. It's because of that grace that my friend could lead us in worship while his body demanded something else (hehehe...its funny, okay), causing his heart and mind to be somewhere else.
  I'm thankful for that grace, because I get distracted. My head and heart can be all over the place sometimes and Jesus says in those moments, "I love you, be still." He still longs for my obedience because he loves me, but my standing before him is no longer tied to that. He is for me.
   And people's perceptions, well they are what they are and we trust the Lord for that, too.