Being 28

  Let me tell you why your mid to late 20's are confusing. There are no rules, but everything is marketed towards you. People older than you want to be your age, people younger than you want to be your age. American culture idolizes this time in life, but they don't define it. I have friends who are married with three kids and friends who live with their parents. Friends who hold jobs that require lots of responsibility and friends who play video games all day. Friends who dress in high quality, fashionable clothes and friends who shop at Target (I fall in this category...youth ministry doesn't lend itself to nice digs). Yet among all that diversity and chaos, people still think that this time of life is to be most desired. It leads those who are actually in their later 20's to be confused, really confused as to what is expected.

  On a given Sunday morning I will have a teenager tell me how "old" I am and turn around to an older adult tell me how "young" I am. I'm neither young nor old and for the first time in life, age is not primary criteria for who I'm going to be or who my friends will be.

  It's a strange life stage because, although being at the forefront of everyone's idealism, the idealism is a fraud. Reality of being in your 20's isn't late nights and friends and freedom, it's learning how to be an adult in real life. You're no longer playing "grown up" like you did in college or even just after. You're the real deal, but no one has ever outlined that for you. It's making mistakes and learning from them. It's realizing that if you don't get enough sleep, you are going to be a disaster the next day (remember when you could get three hours of sleep and never skip a beat...that was glorious). Heck, its realizing that you would rather go to bed at 9 than do anything else. It's your late 20's that you start to feel your limits, but its the time that culture says is when you are limitless.

  So being 28 isn't all it's cracked up to be and my rapidly approaching 29th birthday doesn't sound all that much better, but alas, I will enjoy this time. If for no other reason than b/c everyone else wants it and I feel that I need to due diligence to my 20's.

 

Bebo got it right

  A long time ago (high school maybe?), I would listen to a Bebo Norman song and ponder the lyric "I'm no farther forward, just farther along." And I didn't understand it at all. Seriously, I thought it was the dumbest, most nonsensical lyric written short of "bananas in pajamas." I just didn't get it.

Now I do. Wholeheartedly.

  I always thought that as one grew older, wisdom would collect and build. People should get smarter and better. What I was too naive to realize is that life and people are more complicated than that. You don't simply gain a skill in life, never forget it and then move on the the next (i.e. calculus, dunking a basketball, etc). Life is bigger than that. People are too finite for that ability.

  Instead of a gradual growth, we are cyclical people. Sure, we learn and grow and the Lord sanctifies us, but there are themes to our lives. There are specific struggles. I'm no farther forward of where I was when I was 22. I'm still anxious, fearful, silly, and shy. I'm still me. Now I'm just old enough to acknowledge that I really have no idea what I'm doing and need the Lord to intervene in my life minute by minute. Maybe that's progress.

  So "I'm no farther forward, just farther along" in life. I have more years of the same struggle. More years of the same neediness. More years of the same hope. Same joys and fears. And those years have been good and rich. Full of days where I grit my teeth and pray that I am a blessing to others rather than a hindrance. Days where my soul sings hallelujah the way I deeply long for it to. Days of fun and relationships and understanding. And days of confusion, frustration and chaos.

  I've been fortunate enough to share these thoughts with some of my mentors in life. They laugh because they have long since known this to be reality. Bebo knew it, too.

Whoa did I get uglier?

I was prettier when I lived in Florida. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but really I was looking at pictures the other day. It kind of bothered me, and then that bothered me and then I was caught in a vicious cycle. It was bad news. What could be different? I don't do anything differently and the weather here is much more conducive to good hair days. I concluded that in Florida those around me were the reason. But tonight I was listening to a song that reminded me that the Lord has put beauty in us and it is revealed when we live for His glory and walk with Him. Lately, I feel so tyrannized by tasks that I disappear. My love for the Lord, my joy found in Him is diminished. My heart is grieved by so many things around me that I delight less.

So how do I trust the Lord now? The "beauty He has put in me are for His joy and His glory" and that is how I want to live.

Today I have been thinking about 1 Samuel 8 and 2 Peter 3. The first passage deals with Israel's desire for a king and how they want to be like the other nations. The second passage begs the question that in light of the fact that Jesus is coming back and this world will be destroyed, how then should we live. I think these two passages deal with similar underlying issues. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day-in being like other nations. I forget so easily that this world is fleeting and so I should stake a claim in what is forever, in what is good and fulfills the promises it makes-and that is Christ.

Last week I read a book that said the key to youth ministry is "playful detachment." As it unpacks that term, I couldn't agree more. My identity has to be removed from my calling. It is simply work. An outpouring of God's work and love. I can remember feeling that playful detachment, but now, I just feel crushed. And so, "in light of the fact that Christ is King", what does it look like to find my beauty in Him and not the circumstances around? It is trusting and abiding in Him day to day. Detaching myself from the ideals and expectations of those around me and attaching myself to the ideals and expectations of a loving Father. It is repenting of my need to please and my pride and arrogance and clinging to amazing grace.

Things Half Grown Straight Men Shouldn't Say

This is going to become a regular series on the blog that I never write on, because I hear half grown men (ages 22-35) say the most unexpected things. Come on, dudes, how do you want people to respond to this? How? Unbelievable, yet so entertaining. Please enjoy.

(we'll keep these little treats anonymous, unless you ask, in which case, I'll be more than happy to throw someone under the bus)

-The other day I caught myself shopping online for shoes.

-Hey girls...I really want to watch a good movie. How about Snow White and the Huntsmen?

-Do you ever walk into your closet and realize that you hate every piece of clothing you own?

-I'm leaving the office soon. I'll probably go buy a shirt...or look at guns.

-Sara, when are we going to watch Breaking Dawn? How about tonight?

-Can I wear fish net stalkings to that?

-I just can't be in the office right now...I'm going to run to SteinMart.

Around Here We Live Bent Low

I read those words today on a blog of a girl not much younger than me living in Africa with thirteen adopted daughters. Immediately I began the comparison of our lives. I long to live bent low, but even an hour after reading those words and feeling the draw of Christ to that life, my sin roared. Rather than bending low in humble, gentle compassion, I attempted to raise myself to a a place where I was disappointed. Instead of serving, I wanted what I believed I deserved. In so many ways I see myself as Peter trying to fight with a sword in this world, forgetting that True life is found in the Kingdom to come.

Then, I had to go teach a bible study on repentance.

As I was telling girls that repentance is a state of our heart, not an action and how that makes sense because sin is a condition, not simply an action, I was hit with the hypocracy of the past few hours. I wasn't living that. I wasn't believing that.

How I long for a heart that fills with compassion as I see those around me harassed and helpless, but more often than not it is frustration that fills my heart. I find my identity in ministry, rather than finding it in Christ who has made me for good works. Anxious, scared, frustrated and emotional. What happened to peace, joy, gentleness and self control?

I don't think I'm the only one this way. Our expectations are sky high. We want perfection in the here and now, and leave no room for the Spirit to work or move or surprise us. Our days are ruined. We feel discouraged.

Thirteen little girls in Uganda. They now have a family. A mother. They live bent low. Picking up children, giving a Popsicle to a homeless man, painting the toenails of visitors. Bent low. Not demanding attention, trying to claim what they think should be theirs. A life bent low is a life spent in gratitude.

One 27 year old girl. A daughter. Of a Father. Belonging to a Kingdom. So bend low, daughter who has forgotten who she belongs to. Demands aren't necessary, because the Father sees and knows. Live a life bent low.

Sweet Day

--apparently I forgot to hit publish when I wrote this a few weeks ago...lo siento for posting twice in 32.2 seconds--




Truth be told, it takes me a long to time to feel comfortable with people. In fact, there are really only a handful of people that I feel like myself around. It's been one of the more difficult parts of moving and a big obstacle in ministry. So when there are people that I feel (there's a difference between how I feel and what is true...most people I should feel comfortable around, but I'm an odd character sometimes) this way with, my soul relishes the peace. Today was one of those days.

A friend of mine from growing up moved nearby and I spent the day with her family. What a joy it is to see how God has worked in her life and made her a wife and mom. Her family is precious (and I don't mean cute, although they are, I mean rare and extremely valuable). They, very graciously I might add, allowed me to spend they day with them. And how my soul is singing hallelujah today.

It reminds me that God is constantly gracious to us. Every time I have a need, He meets it. It doesn't usually look the way that I expect or want, but He meets it.

Oh Glory

  Well, no more waiting. Summer is over and life is in full swing. I am thankful for all of it. The Lord is teaching me so much and helping me settle into life. I hope to be here for quite some time and, so it's new and exciting to think about long term relationships with the people around me. And it's got me thinking about the way that I view life and God and restoration. I think I've had it wrong for awhile in that I want everything to be better now. It's not better. We are no farther forward than anyone in history. In some ways we see God's grace and restoration and in other ways our sin is overwhelming. And that's the cycle, at least until we reach glorification. See I mistakenly believe that, this side of heaven, if we all do what is "right" then we won't have any more problems or issues. That's not the case. This world is broken. And God is at work restoring things, but that doesn't look like people never getting upset with me ever again. It doesn't mean that I can spin myself in circles so that I never offend or hurt anyone. 


I really struggle with this tension. Perfection comes in glory, not before, but I long for it now. I long not to hurt anyone or be hurt, but that comes with sinful people. So how does restoration work now? I think it looks like grace...and forgiveness. It looks like growing in love and faith.


What do you think? How do we walk the balance of hoping for glory, but living in a fallen world?

Ho-Hum and Little Waiting

I wish I had more to write about. It has been a long time since I spilled my inner thoughts anywhere. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm waiting. The calm before the storm (but a good storm...hopefully). I move next week and my new boss starts. Both of which have in way put my life at a pretty slow pace as I wait for them. Both will add new responsibility and things to do to life and its ins and outs. So I've been trying to lean into the slower pace. It makes me feel a little lazy, but I know its good.

I'm still in the waiting of building life. It takes so long. It's painstaking really. Can't it just be a year from now? There is some fun in getting to hear every one's stories and who they are. I love to hear people tell stories about their lives that they love and know they are telling to first time hearers. They get more excited. And I like being a little mysterious. I won't get to be that much longer.

It's been a delight to get to enjoy a North Carolina spring in a slow way, especially as it turns to summer. Reading lots of books, taking lots of walks, watching movies and being overcome by the magic of lightening bugs-all to the soundtrack of good southern music. I was able to stow away last weekend for some fam time at the lake. I caught four fish with my dad, tried to canoe with my mother (it didn't go so well, but we had a good laugh about it and I only have one wound on my leg), and did word puzzles with my grandfather. My chaco tan is developing nicely and the Lord is continually sanctifying and restoring. It is beauty.

The past two weeks have revealed ghosts of the past. In some ways it has been much easier than I expected, in some ways worse. Regardless, I see God at work. My heart doesn't ache in the same way it did about these things, mostly because hope has taken root. I'm thankful for people in my life who continue to speak truth to me and are honest with me. I'm thankful for their love and gentleness. Mostly for their time. The Lord has always been good to me by surrounding me with people who love Him deeply.

I think in this is the "hallelujah." The ho-hum of everyday and His love, mercy and faithfulness weaving itself in all things-the good and the bad. That's what I hope for my summer at least. To continue to breathe in and out a hallelujah as I wait for Him.

The Best Thing I've Seen in Awhile

Dear Future Husband,

I used to have a lot of demands for you like you need to take out the trash, kill bugs, etc. At one point in time on this very blog I asked that you be able to get rid of lizards in the house. Well, good sir, all that is thrown out the window. All I want from you is that you love Jesus and allow us to have this (http://flavorwire.com/158511/trend-watch-houses-with-slides) our house. That's right...all I want is a slide from one floor to the next. How great will that be? Really great. And it goes perfect with my adamant belief that all children should have a ball pit. We'll have the most fun house on the block. Go ahead, get us t-shirts that say "cool parent."

I know you may be concerned that people who come over to our house will think it is silly, but do we really want to befriend people who think in-house slides are silly? Probs not. So let's make this happen.

Sincerely,

Sara

Love Recklessly

I shouldn't play scrabble with people who don't take it as seriously as I do. I play by the rules (you know how the game comes with a pamphlet of rules, yeah, I read it), not your family's rules, not rules I made up along the way...the REAL rules. That means that when you agree to play the game of Scrabble, you agree to using the Scrabble dictionary (unless agreed upon by all players before the game starts), regardless of your feelings on whether "za" is a word or not. It's not my fault that I know these words and how to use the board and how to actually challenge a word. Please don't accuse me of cheating because you don't know the rules. If we were playing soccer and you used your hands and I told you the rules said you couldn't, you wouldn't call me a cheater. It's the same thing. Really, it is.

All that to say, last night I played scrabble with some really wonderful girls. Who I like and enjoy and really want to be friends with. However, our differences on what a game of Scrabble looks like, left me feeling pretty insecure. Mostly because I felt ridiculous and misunderstood (let's keep in mind that I didn't actually say any of this at the table, but beat them by a lot and let them call me a cheater in good fun, so everything I write is internal).

This isn't about Scrabble, it's about how we feel misunderstood by people. Especially when we are new in places and no one knows anything about us. It's about how we hide things we are good at (i.e. Scrabble) because we fear what people will think about us. I don't like being on display, nor do I like being a failure. So what do I do? Let myself be mediocre. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that is not what God has called me to be. Granted, I don't think God really cares if I keep my Scrabble skills under wraps, but I think He cares a great deal about the fact that I hide myself from people. That I don't invade their lives with love and encouragement or share my brokenness and how He is healing my wounds. I don't think God wants me to share mediocre Sara. I think He wants to be glorified through broken; silly, yet simultaneously deep; sarcastic; scrabble playing Sara.

I think He wants me, and us, to love recklessly...because love does not seek itself.

Grateful

Yesterday was the longest day ever. I was tired from being out too late the night before (apparently midnight is too late for me...I'm getting old) and I had a full day-Sunday School, big church, senior accountability group, sophomore accountability group, service project, middle school youth group and super bowl party. By the end of the day, I was toast.

Between accountability groups (I had about 20 minutes), I was really frustrated with my day. I just wanted to take a nap and I was pretty grumpy about it all. I was driving at the time, the sun was shining and I was listening to good music (my friend Tyler, get his stuff, http://tylerlyle.bandcamp.com/, its worth the $15 bucks I promise). Suddenly, I was struck with a deep feeling of contentment, because I was tired from being out late with friends the night before. People that I enjoy and learn from and have fun with. When did that start happening? How beautiful. And I was frustrated with sharing "my" time with students in ministry. How silly? The day was a delight and, yes, I was exhausted at the end of it, but how lovely to be able to do what God made me to do and in this context.

Seriously, I am grateful.

We're not friends anymore...but seriously, we're not

There are a few things in life that I think are just absurd. One of those is excessive amounts of facebook friends. Let's be honest, you don't actually care about your 2,400 "friends" cyber lives. Honestly, I judge you if you have more than 1,000. Statistically, one can only keep up with 150 people at a time, so I allow for 850 superfluous relationships. That's plenty. Anymore than that and we all know everything we need to know about you.
So, anytime I start to approach the dreaded 1,000 mark, I immediately decide to declutter my FB life and defriend as many people as I can. At first I was worried that this would hurt people's feelings, but chances are the defriendee hasn't interacted with me in at least 3.5 years when we decided to take the plunge and be buddies in the first place.
Today, I will begin this defriending process and, frankly, I'm looking forward to a little less newsfeed clutter. See you on FB (or maybe not...)

ps-you may or may not get immediately unfriended if you put up pictures of your ultrasound. Seeing a fetus in the womb is just FB inappropriate.

Teenagers do more than homework

I've written about why I hate that I have a Georgia "G" on my debit card before. Awkward conversations with strangers equals uncomfortable, so I like to avoid them at all costs. However, today I had a great conversation started by the good ol' debit card. It went like this:
cashier: "wow, you all have had some really crappy* years"
me: "yes we have...and its embarrassing"
cashier: (random info on why he knows about UGA football) "so what's the answer?"
me: "I think we may need to get rid of Coach Richt, which frankly breaks my heart"
cashier: "You should call the alumni association and make it happen."

You know why this conversation was acceptable? Because he didn't give me some lame "let's argue about our team rivalries, even though we don't know one another" banter, nor did he give me a disapproving look or try to convert me. He said it like it was.

Anyhow, all that got me thinking about my interactions with strangers. And here's what I concluded. I was glad the man didn't ask me what my job was. I never really know what to say. When I tell people I work in youth ministry, they don't really have a category for what that looks like and I'm always met with the same question which I really don't know how to answer: "So, you like help them with their homework?" What I am supposed to say to that? I mean I guess sometimes I do help kids with their homework, but not that often and it doesn't even begin to encompass the purpose of my job.

The problem really isn't peoples' perception of my job. They don't understand my job because they don't understand teenagers. Do people really think that what makes up the majority of students' lives is struggling with their homework? It doesn't. Not even close. It's sad to me that adults are so distanced from teenagers that they can't wrap their minds around what plagues their hearts.

I've always struggled with the gap between adults and teenagers. They have so much in common. I find that more and more as I get older. It's not just adults that have idols. It's all humanity. It's not just teenagers that struggle with submission to authority. It's all humanity. Teenagers need the life lessons of grown ups. They need to see a picture of what it looks like to make it out of growing pains, braces and awkward dances. They need to begin to understand that all of life is about "growing up" and even those who are adults are still learning what that means. They need to see that maturity is less about a number on a driver's license and more about relying on the Lord. But I would argue that adults need students, too. They need to be reminded of passion and idealism and ideas. They need to see enjoyment of life and the wisdom that comes from living a life of practical dependence (when was the last time you had to ask to use your mom's car and got a reply of "I'll drop you off?").

They're is so much to learn and the gap just seems to be widening. I'm thankful for the church, because she seems to have caught on to this problem and is seeking to find a way to fill the gap. I hope that we, the church, will set an example for the world in this, because our students are talented and smart and loving others in a bold way. How beautiful it would be to invest in that, rather than simply "helping them with homework."

*he didn't say crappy...he used the s-torpedo, but I'm a Southern gal and just couldn't bring myself to put it in type (even though I have little problem saying it in real life**)
**in appropriate settings with its appropriate use

Dear Melaina

Dear Melaina (and Karen),

You are the only person who reads my blog, so to you I apologize for all the grammatical errors in my posts. I reread a few old posts today and they are quite difficult. Generally, I am a bit of a grammar Nazi, however, when I write on here I never proofread and I write like I think. This usually means that I end up meshing two sentences in my head and the product causes me to use the wrong words at the wrong time. I will try to do better.

You are a sweet friend and a significantly more dedicated (and, thus, more successful) blogger than I.

With much love,

Sara

Lightening Strikes

I learned about God's sovereignty when I was entering my sophomore year of high school. A close friend of mine was struck by lightening and died the following day. How, at 15, do you reconcile a tragedy that insurance companies file under an "act of God" and God's goodness? After the visitation I remember I just got real quiet. I'm sure over the next few days I did speak something, but nothing of importance. I was just trying to find the Lord in all of it. It wasn't until a few years later that I really ever talked about my confusion with the situation and how it had left me frustrated and confused about God's character. I had just decided that He could do what He wanted and that I got no say in it. It was a faithless and loveless resignation. As the Lord worked on me, He showed me His goodness and kindness. Because of His Son and His grace, I can honestly say that I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. God has been faithful to reveal His character to me and I have truly come to love His Sovereignty, not just resign to it.

With all that said, lightening has become this symbol in my life. It represents things that I don't understand and wish could have happened another way. It stands for the things in my life that I struggle to submit to. Because, hey, God's sovereignty is good, but my willingness to always embrace and wholeheartedly submit to it is not always so good. To be honest my heart is wicked in many, many ways.

In my life right now there is a lot of lightening. It's not even as though my life is falling apart, it's not. I love my life right now. But I look at the last few years and where I am now and, frankly, I just don't understand. I don't get it. I don't know what God is doing or where He is taking me. So, I've resorting to Philippians 4...think about whatever is true. I have to remind myself of basic truths: Jesus is King of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is greater than the expectations of this world. I am deeply loved by the King and He is for me. God has a good plan for my life and the lives of others. He makes us all willing and ready to serve Him...etc, etc.

See, I'm thankful for the Truth. Because when lightening strikes and I'm scared and confused, there is something to hold onto. Something bigger than my fear and a world that spins chaotically out of control. There's Jesus. Jesus who loves me and cares for my fragile heart so tenderly. And it's during the lightening that my faith grows.

Introverts Unite

A few weeks ago I was in Target. As I was checking out, the Target lady asked why I was buying approximately 1,200 lbs of Christmas Cookies. I told her I worked with Jhi and SHi girls and they like sugar (most times I hate talking to people in these situations, so I give as little information as possible as to avoid follow up questions). She asked if I was a teacher, which is a common assumption when I give my preconceived answer. I told her that I worked at a church and when she kept inquiring we found out that we go to the same church. The following Sunday I sat with her. She is delightful and my new friend. I met her husband today and they are the sweetest couple. They are probably in their 60's and I really am so thankful for them. Today as we were walking out of service, Jeanne and I were discussing that we are both introverted, but in jobs where we have to talk to people a lot. Also, out jobs give us unconventional hours. We decided to get coffee soon. I'm so looking forward to it.

This has to be what a fellowship of believers looks like. How exciting to find a friend in the most random of places and know that God ordains all interactions. I feel so blessed that she wants to spend time with me and encourage me, especially in a season of life where I have transitioned and am far from all the older women who pour into my life. I am very grateful for a community of believers that seek one another out. There is a deep sweetness to that. I love the church.

Want

What do you do with your want? I talked about this about a month ago in a high school Sunday School class. My prideful heart thought it was for the students. Turns out since that 1am writing session I haven't been able to move away from this. We want things. We desire things. From new clothes to new jobs to relationships to free time. Fill in your own blank. What do you want? And what do you do with that desire? Scripture tells us not to be greedy, but it doesn't tell us to squelch our desires. It tells us to take them to the Lord. To ask Him for things and He answers. I love that about Him.

Sometimes I'm not sure what to do with my want though. I want to be able to lean into it and for it to draw me to my Father, but if I am honest sometimes it just makes me anxious and confused. I look at my life right now (and its a life I'm thankful for) and I have no idea how it makes any sense, especially given the things that I am striving for and that I want right now. I believe that it takes faith to take my desires to the Lord, to trust Him with them. But its difficult, because it means I'm not in control and I might not get what I want. That isn't my favorite idea, but it draws me back to a Father who is the giver of good gifts.

So what do you do? What is the answer? If you remember the parable about the three men who were given money, for a long time I related to the third servant. He buried the money and took no risk. He moved out of carefulness, not faith. I like rules and boundaries. I like cautious, but sometimes risk isn't risk, its faith. That's what I'm learning, to trust God with my want and step in faith.

I may not get the things I want. That will be really difficult. I may not understand the direction God is taking me right now or what is coming down the turnpike, but I can enjoy where He has me now and trust that He is teaching me about Himself and showing me His love. I was listening to Kari Jobe's I Know That You Are For Me earlier today. The song talks about how God is for us. He is not fighting against us. The chorus is a reminder that sometimes the circumstances of our life may only be to remind us who God is and that is not only enough, but good. I know that God is for me and very much at work. I know He loves me and, although I still very much learning to believe this, I can trust Him with my desire and want.

Silence and Hallelujahs

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I know I'm female and supposed to be capable of about a billion words an hour, but every now and then I just get quiet. And not the introverted quiet where I am actually processing through a ton of things, my mind just stills and my heart is peaceful and I really have nothing to say. Today is one of those days. My guess is that it is this way because of the past couple of months and, more specifically, the last two weeks. In these two weeks, I have been able to process through so much information, thoughts and emotions.

Last week I sat at the kitchen table of a woman I respect greatly. In the mere 20 minutes I was sitting there with her, I spilled out my whole heart. Not just the pieces and tidbits that I share on occasion with others, but every hope and fear. Things I really desire and questions I am normally too afraid to ask. And because she has this uncanny ability for silence to speak volumes, I kept talking until I think every bit of who I am was in tangible pieces on the dark wood tabletop. And so, we sorted through them.

I've thought a lot about that conversation and the experiences of the past 3 months. I see the Lord working in so many ways around me-He is clearly weaving His work all around in the lives of people around me. He is showing me so much of His redemption and the new creations He has made. I am left awestruck at how I see God's work in some of the people and families I am privileged to know. And so I am left with a curiosity that drives me more than I know how to share. What else is God doing? How is He using me? How is He sanctifying me? What is He calling me and others to do? Things that I thought were dead in me are being awakened to life again. Although they are good things, frankly, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I had become very comfortable with them being "gone."

But God seems to have different plans to work in my heart and show me how His love and His plan are better than my own. He truly knows what I need to be whole. I pray that I will cling to that in the future as He continues to sanctify me and make my heart more like His Son's.

There are so many things I am thankful for right now. So many ways that God is making my heart playful and renewed. It reminds me of why I named this blog "hallelujah." It's what I want to be the overflow of my heart. That at the end of everyday I will sing "hallelujah."

I am certain that there will be much struggle in the days to come. I am certain that my emotions are about to be catapulted from detached to very much engaged. I am certain that the next few months will not be what I view as easy. I am also certain that God is at work. That His goodness is where I stand. So, at the end of today, with grateful silence in my head, my heart says a confident hallelujah.

"...in repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Is 30:15

When it all goes wrong

Have you ever just been really wrong about something? Like flat wrong? It seems as of late, I'm just wrong...a lot. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm not trying to sound pathetic...just factual. In many areas of my life, I'm just off. I think God is humbling me in a lot ways. For far too long I've been able to control how I feel, how I respond, what I think. Turns out that I can't get a grip on any of those things lately. The bad news is that I'm a rotten, wretched sinner. The great news is that Jesus is my Rock. It's lovely to know that when my life is spinning in a way I'm not capable of handling, my hope is in an unwavering Savior. It's not in my location or my job or a relationship. It's so much stronger than that. You see, if my hope was in my job or a person, it would be shallow and counterfeit. I would have no hope. But because of God's grace, my hope is so much better and so much more real that I could have imagined. The best part about being a mess and knowing how incapable I am, is that Jesus is all the more sweet.

When I quit my job a few months ago, I was certain (like I knew, but I told people that I didn't know so they would think I was holy) about where I was going. Everything lined up. It made sense. All the goals I wanted to accomplish could be accomplished there. I had friends, it was an ideal location, great job-one that would allow my heart to heal...I even had a place to live. I was ready to go. Oh, except that that's not where God ended up leading me. As a matter of fact, I was a shoe in for the job, but I never even heard back from them. I was dead wrong. I ended up in a place unexpected. One that is pushing my heart to be more like Christ's. One that is showing me the depths of my sin and the Savior whose love, mercy and grace far exceeds those depths. One where sanctification is good and difficult. One where I am wrong a lot and need Jesus more and more.

I don't think I've ever been more thankful to be so wrong.

What is the measure of life?

I've been taking my high school girls through Ecclesiastes. It's intense to say the least. Last week we talked about how enjoyment and happiness is a poor measure of life. It's completely inaccurate. And I stand by that. However, I think that I struggle with the other extreme tending to believe that if something is difficult then it is out of God's plan for me. How awful is that? God is a good God and in the Word it says that He gives good things. I believe that God is the giver of good-both happiness and struggle. They are both important. God says that He comes to give the abundant life and that would mean a whole spectrum of experiences. Why do I measure my life by the struggle and run away from the enjoyable then? Why do I think that my life is more "godly" if it is marked by significant struggle. I believe that God restores and redeems. He binds up the broken and heals the sick. Granted, I will suffer. But I was made to rejoice as well. Is it possible that my cynical heart keeps me from the joy that God gives. I do love boundaries and control, but I think that I keep myself closed off from the freedom that God gives by loving and enjoying Him. There's some irony here, too, because I have fun. Its just that I think I miss the richness of life because I think more of suffering than rejoicing. Theologically that just doesn't seem right. It should be a balance. Submitting to God's plan day to day whatever that may look like. There is after all a time to mourn and a time to rejoice.