Stubborn and Stupid

The time has come. I have finally made the decision not to renew my internship come August. So I am job hunting again. Its probably the worst process in the whole world. Basically I have become an email and Youth Specialties checking freak. It's ridiculous. And no worries, no one wants to hire me. It really is good for a girl's self-esteem.
Its scary to think about leaving. Right now come August, I have no way to support myself and that is not a good feeling. But I think its good for me in a way. At some point I will have to realize that this is not my life. It never has been. And I need to have the faith to trust that God really is directing my path. Isn't it funny that we struggle with this? Because in all reality the Lord has always been leading my life, I am just too stubborn or stupid to acknowledge it. And He has always been good to me. My life most certainly has not been easy, but He has always been doing things that were good for me, so why do I have such a difficult time thinking that this transition and next phase of my life won't be good? Probably because I am scared and I want it to be easy. But that's not the promise I have and its a shallow desire anyhow.
I am sad to leave here. I love my students so much. But they aren't mine and never have been. I love the city. So fun. But I don't really fit here or feel at home. I was only meant to be a short term visitor in this strange place. But what a fun place to be for awhile.
I don't know where I will go next. I hope that it is much closer to home, but that is not a guarantee. I am afraid that I will be like Paul in the regard. He always wanted to go east, but God kept sending him west. No good for me, well at least I think so. It would be nice to be surrounded by friends and family again safe in that southern comfort. I guess we will see.

Until next time...

I should be 16 again

I'm not sure I have much to say, but I feel guilty for not writing much lately (as if anyone actually reads this). The last couple of weeks have been pretty restful. There just isn't much to say. I have been working, playing and trying to figure out what's next. I haven't had any huge epiphanies of any kind.

I have, however, seen some pretty remarkable stuff. In particular I have been witness to a really cool relationship. I have seen what it looks like to practically love another. I have seen this in a friendship between two high school girls. Most people would not guess that two teenage girls would be able to get outside themselves enough to be able to truly love another, but there girls have figured it out. They care for each other in a cool way. I am constantly amazed at how well they push into each other's weakness and share their hearts with one another. There girls aren't particularly special. They are pretty typical 16 year olds. Busy with school, family stuff, and extracurriculars. What is unique about them is that they are very pure hearted and have a very real relationship with the Lord. They both admit that they are needy. I think that is why they are able to connect in such a tangible way.
Watching these two girls relate over the past year has taught me a lot about friendship and loving people. I'm not sure I can put into words what I have seen or how it works, because loving others doesn't fit into a formula. I think the basis of all of it is a freedom from Christ to not fear other people's messes. Other people's messes are scary...they require a lot of work. I hate working that much. It's true. There are some people who just require too much work with not enough reward to be involved in their lives. That's why I need Jesus, because I don't want to do the work. That's what these girls have found-Jesus and how He works in us to really love others.