This past weekend was spent with friends in Atlanta celebrating at a wedding. It was lovely and fun and beautiful and everything that a wedding is supposed to be. But this isn't a post about that.
At the reception I was talking to a dear friend that I haven't seen in a few years. I have tremendous respect for him and especially for his commitment to the church. It's rare this day and age for a twenty something man to be committed to the life of a body of believers. And that's respectable.
As we were catching up, he asked if I was happy. In the general, big kind of way. And I didn't know how to respond. I don't really even remember what I said. It's a hard question and even though I know what he meant, I'm not sure it's a question I can answer.
The truth is some days I am happy. And some days I am not. Right now, I'm learning a ton about God's discipline and so the happy days are a little farther apart than I care for. But overall, I'm not sure I'll ever be "happy". Whatever that is supposed to mean. I will always want things I can't have. I will always be selfish and prideful and people are going to irritate the gosh darn dickens out of me. And, let's be honest, I drive myself insane. There is always struggle and there is always hardship and that's because I struggle to trust Jesus. And word on the street is that doesn't get any easier with age.
I think the kind of happiness that people look for is this overarching, movie-like, purpose found, "I am pleased with where my life is and where I'm heading" kind of happy. And I'm just not convinced that's real. It just feels deceptive to me. And here's why: I have a family that I like to be around, I have sweet friends and for eight years I've been doing a job I'm passionate about and you know what, some days suck. Some weeks are miserable and some seasons make me want to curl up fetal position on the floor and not talk to anyone for months. And I'm okay with that. From where I'm standing, that's normal. Because God never tells us that easy is how we know that he is at work in our lives. He is at work in our lives in the happiest of days and crappiest of days. All that happens is ordained as best for his children and somehow he works it all to advance his kingdom. That's better than happy.
So am I happy? Depends on the day. I'm at a place where happy is less of a goal and trust is more of goal. And I'm going to need that to be okay with everyone.
(looking over this makes me afraid that I'm depressed and don't realize it...the weather has been rather gray for the past few weeks, but I think I'm okay. Oh dear...I'll be out running through the leaves if you need me)
