My Plight

So my roommate asked me to go to the store to pick up some stuff for people that are coming over this weekend. She gave me her credit card to get the stuff. We could have gone later today, but she has a lot to do and I wanted to get it done for her. Seems like a harmless chore. So I go to the store, get the stuff and, of course, I am the only person in the last 38 years to have someone ask to see my license. Really? Come on. It was awful. (Maybe I am being a little dramatic, but hold on) There were two ladies working at the register I was at. I told them just to cancel and I would use my card. One of the ladies just kept shaking her head at me in disappointment...I felt like a seven year old whose mother just caught her playing instead of making her bed. I left the store.
See, my whole life has taught me to not be a rule breaker...actually, it has shown to not even be a rule bender or pusher. The only time I have ever sped, I got a ticket. The one time I got my parents to let me stay out as long as I wanted in high school, I had an encounter with the police (I wasn't actually doing anything, but apparently my friends and I looked "suspicious"). I have come to feel like I can't take any chances because the moment I do I get a slap on the wrist and someone shaking their head in disappointment at me. And I end up going home with knots in my stomach feeling awful about myself.
I think is what has happened to me in the past year. I muster up enough strength to venture out and take some big chances. Now I feel like I have come home with the whole world disappointed in me and my decisions. I feel like I took chances trying to love people and they all blew up in my face. And although I know that the situation is much more complex and that the Lord gave me wonderful things through all of it, I feel the same things I felt when I left the store earlier-embarrassed, angry, stupid and sad.
I guess what I am now trying to figure out is how do I move on and still take chances? It is too scary for me most of the time. I am always afraid of being hung out to dry. But I know that in order to love people the way that Jesus did, I will have to take chances. But is there ever a point when enough is enough?

Reading...it's good for you

Since I have been back in Georgia, I have been quite the book fanatic. I am beginning to be quite impressed with myself. That's beside the point, though. Awhile I ago I picked up Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger. I had heard it was good. I'm about 2/3 through it and although I'm not sure I totally understand it, yet, I really have enjoyed it, but again this is beside the point. Last night I was reading and one of the parts goes like this:

He said that you were the only one who was bitter about S.'s suicide and the only one who really forgave him for it. The rest of us, he said, were outwardly unbitter and inwardly unforgiving. This may be truer than true.

After this I got to thinking that it is really only when we are outwardly honest about what we think and feel that we are able to forgive anyone, including ourselves. Now this isn't that easy. It is difficult to throw all that out on the table, because we feel such complex emotions. It means being honest about the way we dealt with things, how we felt about life rather it was correct or valid or embarrassing. It means seeing reality, true reality, not just one's own perspective on life. Now I'm not really sure what this looks like, but I think it has to be a part of walking by faith. I mean faith is taking a leap, right? Trusting the Lord and how He is working in you. Having faith in Him enough to step out and speak up, no matter the immediate consequence, because when all is said and done forgiveness is at the end. And forgiveness is one of the largest parts of our lives. Forgiveness from the Lord and forgiveness from one another and ourselves.

that's all for now...sorry it is rambled...I have coherent thoughts sometimes, promise...hopefully soon I will be able to share those with you, too

Head Over Heels

Has anyone seen this movie? It isn't fabulous, entertaining...but it won't change your life. So why does it get a whole blog entry about it? Because it is one of the only movies I can think of that has a scene with someone using the bathroom. Nothing else is the movie is that realistic, but that scene adds all the reality that I need. Watch it and enjoy.

I like to read

So this week I have been totally engrossed in a certain series meant for "young adults." It has been quite delightful. I have read in their entirety four books since Monday evening. For book ADD me, this is an accomplishment in and of itself. I was surprised to find in these easy to read pages stories that made me think and feel. I was impressed with their depth, for I had meant only to read them as another way to pass the time.
I finished the last one today. I started it today, too. I finished around 5:30, just before church. I found myself a bit drunk (or so I assume...) from my reading. It took me another hour to awake into the real world. It was a funny feeling. I liked it. I liked being engulfed into a story that was so easy for me to relate to. I liked being challenged as I read about the character's trials and being reminded that so often our lives are complicated not by circumstance, but by our own shortcomings. I liked being reminded that we have to get past these shortcomings. It was nice.
I was surprised by the ending. These books are cheesy...or at least they are supposed to be. They are coming of age stories, so I expected things to tie up nicely. However, to my surprise and delight they ended in a much more realistic and hopeful way. It ended like it might have in real life. The characters stories were still going...just like real people. Our stories don't just stop and settle, the journey keeps going. It was a relief to end the books not feeling as if the story were unrealistic.
This past week has been a little intoxicating with these stories drifting through my mind. It is slightly embarrassing...I am 23 years old and should be reading something much more dignified. But even at 23, these stories allowed me to come to a better understanding of some things going on in my life and push me to places I should be.
Isn't it strange the way that an author can evoke such emotion in a reader?

Mechanics watch strange TV

Friday I walked out to my car only to find a flat tire. Annoying, but not the end of the world. I had already had it patched and in light of the fact that I am driving to Georgia/South Carolina in two weeks I decided to just get a new tire. So I'm sitting waiting for my tire to be changed working on a crossword that I found in the chair next to me (I assumed the paper was for the customers...I had a pretty big moral dilemma about doing the crossword, because what if someone later in the day wanted to do it...anyhow...) when my train of thought is suddenly interrupted by a lot of yelling and crying. No worries, it was coming the TV just above me. It was the Maury Show. What was the topic for the day? "Who is my baby's father? My husband or his brother?" Quite intriguing...if by intriguing you mean it made me sick to my stomach. I was having no luck with the crossword and let's be honest something about these shows is like a train wreck, so I watched. It was sad. Not just that people are in this situation, but that it is on television. Now, I'm not exactly sure who watches this on a regular basis other than mechanics (ever noticed how these shows are always on at car repair places???), but apparently people do or they wouldn't be on the air. Just after Maury was Jerry Springer. This is America at its finest...let me tell you. I didn't come to any great conclusions from watching these shows (shocker, I know), however I did leave pretty sad about them (and that I spent so much money fixing my car) and wondering why in the world they are always playing at the mechanic's.

I Need a Job

So I've been trying to figure out what is next for me. What is this plan that the Lord has for me? I don't know yet. I have some options, some really exciting ones. And I have been thinking lately that this plan that God has for me is a lot less about an actual geographic destination and much more about the place of my heart, of who I am. Maybe it is not just a "job" or a "location", but about the woman He is making me into. I like this idea. I like it because it takes so much pressure off "making the right decision" and on just following Jesus. On making a decision that is trusting Him. I like the idea of growing and maturing and that not being solely contingent on my vocation. And it makes more sense, at least I think so. God uses our vocation for our growth and to serve Him, but it is merely a tool, not the chief agent in our lives. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember this because I am in vocational ministry. I slip into this pattern of thinking that if I am not doing "ministry" then I am not serving or learning or growing. That is just not the case. Anything anyone does in His name is ministry and worship. What if we really believed this and really lived this out? How exciting it would be. It would relieve a lot of anxiety that people my age have. We would be less career focused and more Christ focused. Our faith would not be based on our financial or career success, but on Jesus and His work.
I find that I as I remind myself of these truths and the Spirit works to apply them to my life, I am much less anxious about my future. As I look at who God is making me, rather than the number of options in front of me I am much more certain that He is working in my life. I become more hopeful and calm. There are things I am thankful for and as I continue to wonder what is next I know that I can trust that He has an end point in mind for who I am and that He has planned all the steps in between here and there.

Stubborn and Stupid

The time has come. I have finally made the decision not to renew my internship come August. So I am job hunting again. Its probably the worst process in the whole world. Basically I have become an email and Youth Specialties checking freak. It's ridiculous. And no worries, no one wants to hire me. It really is good for a girl's self-esteem.
Its scary to think about leaving. Right now come August, I have no way to support myself and that is not a good feeling. But I think its good for me in a way. At some point I will have to realize that this is not my life. It never has been. And I need to have the faith to trust that God really is directing my path. Isn't it funny that we struggle with this? Because in all reality the Lord has always been leading my life, I am just too stubborn or stupid to acknowledge it. And He has always been good to me. My life most certainly has not been easy, but He has always been doing things that were good for me, so why do I have such a difficult time thinking that this transition and next phase of my life won't be good? Probably because I am scared and I want it to be easy. But that's not the promise I have and its a shallow desire anyhow.
I am sad to leave here. I love my students so much. But they aren't mine and never have been. I love the city. So fun. But I don't really fit here or feel at home. I was only meant to be a short term visitor in this strange place. But what a fun place to be for awhile.
I don't know where I will go next. I hope that it is much closer to home, but that is not a guarantee. I am afraid that I will be like Paul in the regard. He always wanted to go east, but God kept sending him west. No good for me, well at least I think so. It would be nice to be surrounded by friends and family again safe in that southern comfort. I guess we will see.

Until next time...

I should be 16 again

I'm not sure I have much to say, but I feel guilty for not writing much lately (as if anyone actually reads this). The last couple of weeks have been pretty restful. There just isn't much to say. I have been working, playing and trying to figure out what's next. I haven't had any huge epiphanies of any kind.

I have, however, seen some pretty remarkable stuff. In particular I have been witness to a really cool relationship. I have seen what it looks like to practically love another. I have seen this in a friendship between two high school girls. Most people would not guess that two teenage girls would be able to get outside themselves enough to be able to truly love another, but there girls have figured it out. They care for each other in a cool way. I am constantly amazed at how well they push into each other's weakness and share their hearts with one another. There girls aren't particularly special. They are pretty typical 16 year olds. Busy with school, family stuff, and extracurriculars. What is unique about them is that they are very pure hearted and have a very real relationship with the Lord. They both admit that they are needy. I think that is why they are able to connect in such a tangible way.
Watching these two girls relate over the past year has taught me a lot about friendship and loving people. I'm not sure I can put into words what I have seen or how it works, because loving others doesn't fit into a formula. I think the basis of all of it is a freedom from Christ to not fear other people's messes. Other people's messes are scary...they require a lot of work. I hate working that much. It's true. There are some people who just require too much work with not enough reward to be involved in their lives. That's why I need Jesus, because I don't want to do the work. That's what these girls have found-Jesus and how He works in us to really love others.

why I love Austin

Why do I love Austin? Well, right now I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop. It is 10:15 and I am sitting on the deck at Mozart's overlooking Lake Travis. It finally feels like spring (don't worry, in the last week we have hit three seasons...how one city can go from 95 degrees to ice to spring is beyond my understanding). It's gorgeous. Life feels slower and somehow more manageable. Granted, this is only a feeling and I know that I am no more in control of things than I was an hour ago sitting in my office, but none the less it feels good. It feels like being content and I have been finding these times in increasing measure over the last couple of months.

Now, I know that these moments have nothing to do with Austin. They are most definitely from the Lord and I acknowledge that wholeheartedly. But I think that Austin is representative of a lot. It represents this part of me that ventured out and is trying life anew. It represents this part of me that has been through a tough year and is by the grace of God making it through. It has been here that I have become okay with being weak and truly needing people and the Lord. I am thankful for these things, even though the process has been pretty awful. I am growing and I don't think I will really see the growth until I have moved from this part of my life.

I love mornings like these because they are literally and methaphorically a breath of fresh air.

I bought video games this week.

People, come visit me in Texas...


Until then, I have been reading Orthodoxy by GK Chesterton. I am a fan. Here are the two statements that made a big impact during my reading today:

"A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged...For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony."

"In short, I had always believed that the world involved magic: now I thought that perhaps it involved a magician. And this pointed a profound emotion always present and sub-conscious; that this world of ours has some purpose; and if there is a purpose, there is a person. I had always felt life first as a story: and if there is a story there is a story-teller."

My heart is in TJ

It's been a couple of days since we got back from Mexico. It has been nice to shower and flush toilets, but it's exhausting to enter back into everyday life. My mind is racing again and it makes me long for the pace of life and sense of community that we experienced last week in Mexico. So as a way of avoiding "real life" let me tell you a little about the trip.

It started out at the crack of dawn last Saturday. We flew into San Diego and spent the afternoon in Coronado. Let me tell you that at this point I was not excited for the trip. I was tired of planning, tired of talking about it, etc. At Coronado I was able to hang out with some great girls and one of my favorite people of all time stopped by to visit. After some catching up with my old friend, Jenla, the group headed to cross the border. We had a moment of silence as it was my first time out of the country and then we entered Mexico. The first thing I noticed was the traffic. I was really thankful that I wasn't driving. I like the rules of driving. I like lanes and stop signs and people that obey them (although by the end of the week, I found the lack of obedience slightly liberating).

The orphanage was amazing. Not so much the place that we slept (i had a cot in the hallway), but the construction for what will be the new orphanage. Its exciting to see how many families and children will be served in this new building. I was overwhelmed by the atmosphere at the orphanage-it was safe. I liked it.

We woke up the next morning and headed to our sites in our work groups. I had the most amazing group of students and co-leaders. I was blessed by them and thankful for the ministry that happened. I am so grateful for their positive attitudes, because we spent the next three days doing some intense manual labor. We moved the most amount of dirt and rocks that I have ever seen and then mixed cement for the floor of the house. Laying cement is not easy. But relating to people while laying cement is. I have three new best friends now. The rest of the week we built the walls and put up siding, painted and put on the roof. It was pretty typical of house building.

At night we spent time together before dinner, showered from a bucket, ate dinner, had program and prayed with our prayer partner. Then it was bedtime, except I usually ended up picking a girl's room and going in there and chatting it up for awhile. It was great. I loved being able to get that much time to learn about my students and talk to them about their lives.

Mornings were slow paced. Breakfast, leader meeting, quiet times. It was delightful. TJ in the morning smells and sounds a little like a country farm-dogs barking, roosters crowing, birds chirping and the smell of a new day. I delighted in it more everyday.

One of the best parts were our site owners. They were a family of 7. Dad, Mom and 5 kids. Three of the daughters spent the majority of their day with us. They were so fun. Keep in mind that I speak .2 words of Spanish. But seeing their eyes light up when we would drive up was the best feeling. I brought them a coloring book on the next to last day and got to color with them for a good bit of the morning. It was so fun. I re-learned my colors in Spanish. I learned more than just a little Spanish from this family. The dad is an honest policeman. Its pretty rare for the area that he works in and, therefore, he makes very little money. His decision to be a man of integrity has extreme implications on his family's financial well being, yet he has made an active decision to care about his character. And how much better will his family be for it? A lot. He is teaching his children the value of who they are, rather than what they have. They will be able to look to their father as an example of an outstanding man. I was very impressed with who he is and how he would come and labor with us. And how thankful he was. Then, at the end this man who I have a great amount of respect for told us that we are apart of his family. What a blessing.

I could write more, but I am sure you are tired of reading. These pictures sum up all I feel about my experience.

I am not a liar

It's true. I am not a liar. Actually, I am usually brutally honest. I am far too introspective and I think too much, which leads me to have a keen self awareness. With that said...
I have this nightmare a couple times a year where I am screaming and no one can hear me. What is most perplexing about the dream is that there are people all around me. My life is not like that at all right now. It is the opposite. I feel like I am sitting serenely and all the people around me keep pushing me to talk about "how I really feel." It's like when a mom tries to pick up a child who is not affectionate. The child is annoyed and squirms around to get back to what he was doing. Apparently no one believes that I can function right now, but that I am actually repressing a lot of sadness and hurt. That's simply not the case-no repressing here.
Why is that as Christians we preach trusting the Lord and resting in a peace beyond our understanding and looking to future glory, but never really act on those things? I feel like the restless child, I just want to get back to life.
Now, let me clarify some things. Yes, there is emotion to be taken into account. But emotion is not everything. And there are things that need closure and clarification. That will be dealt with in due time. I just don't understand why all these rules for "normal" life keep getting applied. Has anyone really taken a look at the world? Nothing is ever "normal." So why don't we all just trust the Lord? For two reasons. One, because we don't want to do the work. It takes a lot of time, energy and messiness to do this. And because trusting God is more threatening than a set of centralized standards. Because truly trusting in the Lord means giving up any sense of control that those standards offer. And although standards are not wrong, I think a lot of time we institute them to avoid hurt rather than pursuing the Lord with heart. But it is in risking hurt and losing this false sense of control that we find the sweetest rest there is-the infinite rest from the Lord.
Don't misunderstand me. I am about as rule bound as they come. I think I am learning, though, that I am bound to my set of standards and rules, rather than delighting in the law of the Lord. And I am seeing these trends around me. I am thankful for the care and protection that I am receiving from those around me. I just think that maybe we are missing it a little bit.
So what is my conclusion? Not positive just yet. But I am sure I will come up with something, because I think too much.

And p.s. I am not a liar.

Perfection: a future hope, not a present reality

To say that the past week and a half was easy or pleasant would be a lie. I could safely say that it has been the second most difficult and confusing time in my life. But I am okay. I will be fine. This time will be over soon enough. People keep asking me how I am doing. I only mind when they ask with an expectation of me breaking down. I hate that. Don't expect me to be a mess, I will be a mess when I want to be. But for now, God has given me peace and why don't people believe that. So I have decided that in writing down what I believe, maybe people will start to think that I am not a liar when I answer them. Buckle up, here we go...
I learned these things the summer after I was graduated from high school. I haven't been the same since. We live in a fallen world. There are practical and unbelievable consequences to that. Everything has been affected by this. The world is dying and decaying. Our bodies our dying and decaying. Everything from bug bites to eyeglasses to sickness are an effect of our sin. So we can stop blaming God for all this and look to Him for His gracious restoration. The question is not "why do bad things happen to good people", because we are not good outside of Christ. Bad things happen to fallen people. So why are we surprised when the fallen world produces fallen circumstances? Because we judge ourselves with man's thinking, not God's thinking. So what's the point? When all falls apart, it is not God's fault and it is not a specific person's fault, it is a result of a fallen world and it provides an opportunity for humanity to look to the Lord for His grace, mercy and life.
Now I understand this doesn't erase emotion or frustration. As a matter of fact, understanding the fallen world and a God of restoration (partially now and fully at glorification) allows freedom to feel. I can cry and be upset because this is the world of tears, the world of hurt. And that is okay. It will not be until glorification that the Father will wipe away my tears. I can't wait for that, but for now I will choose to cry when I want to and at the same time I will look to Christ knowing that because of His work one day I will stop crying. My hope is great because of this. And this hope doesn't cast out emotion, but makes it appropriate and not overwhelming.
So what does my life look like? It looks like trusting the Lord when whatever comes my way at any given point. It is crying, laughing, resting, or whatever else I do all knowing that the Father loves me. It is freedom to live in a fallen world, knowing that perfection will come not today, but in glory.

Snow (Ice) Days

I really adore snow days. Not just because I like cold weather, but I like all that comes along with it. First of all, I love sweaters and I have some really great ones. So I finally got to wear them. Second, there is no better time to drink hot chocolate and this is my favorite drink. Finally, and most importantly, when one is blessed with a snow day (or two in my case), people become forced to rest. Over the last two days, I read, watched movies, caught up with people and slowed down enough to actually enjoy my life. I was able to study and think. I find that this time is increasingly important as most of the time I am running around just trying to accomplish something. I think this may be the biggest struggle of adulthood and why adults have romanticized being in school. It's because during school there is built in time to rest and so much of that comes in ample time to relate to others. However in this so-called real world that I live in, I rarely have time to really connect in meaningful ways with the people I come into contact with. I am so often doing, rather than being. Its a sad state. But when that blessed snow day is given to me, I have no choice but to slow down and rest. The past two days have been precious.

New Year, New Me?

Well, with the holiday season over I find myself pretty excited to get back to "normal" life. It was a delight to get to go home and see so many wonderful people. I feel refreshed and little more like me, again. And it was amazing for my family and Rebecca and Patrick to be in Austin and get to see my new life. It makes Austin feel a little less like summer camp. So now I am back to work and hanging with students and, hopefully in due time, getting a little rest.
A long time ago I decided never to make New Year resolutions and I am keeping with that. However, we must all admit that there is something about this time of year that makes us reflect on where have been and where we are going. For me this year, a lot of that has been due to getting to go home and getting some time to ponder what has happened in my life over this past whirlwind of a year. I've done a lot-graduated, had three jobs, moved twice, made totally new friends, etc, etc. So it is quite a lot to think about. I really came to no conclusion other than that without the grace of God I would be insane by now, but I do have a confidence that I did not have this time last year. And it has nothing to do with me feeling certain about my future. It has everything to do with God being faithful to me and leading me through all these changes. He has given me a confidence in Him and because of that, a confidence in myself.
I was asked recently if I feel more like an "adult" now that I am out of college. The answer was definately not. I am still who I was in May and this time last year. I just have new challenges and responsibilities. However, I do find that I have a sense of competence that I did not have last year. A new set of skills that fit my new life. I feel adapted.
So my point...its not a new year that has brought a new me. It is the past year that has brought a more mature me.