I like reality tv and most of friends/family like some sort of reality tv show. Thus, I consider myself an expert at all things reality game show. From Survivor and The Amazing Race to Big Brother and MTV's Challenge, I've seen them or had conversations about them. After being forced to watch the Amazing Race with my folks about a month ago (I just can't get into that one, but I love mom and dad, so I watch it with them when I'm home #favoritechild), I started developing a theory as to why Reality TV should never allow church staff on their shows. And here's why: we'll dominate the competition and take your money/trips/prizes like stealing candy from a baby. In fact, we would consider it a vacation and a delight. Here are a few reasons why:
1. Food Challenges: Oh you want me to eat something slimy, stinky and from a different culture? Cute. Have you ever been to a potluck? There is really no telling what is in Aunt Jo's tuna surprise and we church staff have to learn to down that stuff with an excited smile like it's a cupcake on our birthday. And once I swallowed a goldfish...from wal-mart. Enough said.
2. Weird games: These are basically just youth group games. Walking across swinging logs hanging 50ft over piranha infested water? We did that on our last youth retreat and you know what I got for it? 100 points. POINTS!!! Those are made up. You are offering real life prizes at the end of it. I didn't even get a Frisbee with the trip's logo on it. Tell those piranha's that they aren't getting dinner tonight, because I'm coming for your money. Thanks.
3. Political Game: It's called relationships and hard decisions. And a poker face. Have you sat through a church committee meeting? People haven't know what I've really been thinking since 1998. Bring it.
4. Out of the Blue Challenges: Generally, these include some kind of art project like calligraphy and gold foiling or a puzzle like a tangram. We do gold foiling in VBS along with leather bracelet making and frosting glass, so basically I've been preparing for this challenge since I was 4. And puzzles, what do you think I've been doing during all the aforementioned committee meetings? I stopped paying attention after the first 2, so the last 102,908 meetings have been spent playing Words with Friends and some funny moving a box game and building an incredible amount of mental patience, fortitude and a particular fondness for winning. Why don't you just hand me "the largest amount of money that [insert network name here] has ever given away" and save everyone the trouble? It's not even going to be fun for America to watch.
5. Being blindsided: yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's my rant to reality tv folks. You're playing a GAME. A GAME. You signed up for it, so why do you keep crying about being "blindsided"? I get "blindsided" all the time. I call it a typical Thursday. You know when I last got blindsided? On my way the bathroom during church this morning. And, trust me, there was no game involved.
6. Scary Challenges: Small spaces, darkness, being locked in a coffin. Oh, you mean a junior high lock in? If I can make through one of those, I can make it through your "scary." Snooze. Wake me up when it's over.
7. Sleeping in weird places: All reality shows have weird sleeping arrangements. Sometimes you sleep in the airport, some in a hut, some with really crazy roommates. Last summer I had to share a room with nine high school girls. My bed was inverted, so I slept with my feet above my head. Once, I slept on a wood floor. There was a tin roof, no walls. For the past eight years, I just keep a sleeping bag in my car because there is no telling what I'm walking into. I can handle your airports.
8. Intuition: A large part of reality TV shows is figuring out the roles that your competitors are going to play and finding the appropriate role for your self accordingly. This requires both observation and the ability to adapt. In ministry we call this "wearing lots of hats." Basically, in a given day church staff is going to go from being a janitor to a counselor to a graphic designer to a chauffeur to a CEO and back again about twenty times. Try to keep up. We don't have time to explain it to you. And we do it seamlessly, without anyone knowing any different.
9. Getting along with others: Here's the crazy part. We actually, genuinely like other people (well, not everyone), so we easy get along with others. We're very pleasing that way.
10. Not taking things personally: yeah, if we did that, we probably wouldn't ever leave our houses. We've developed an appropriately thick skin.
Reality shows be warned. Pastors, worship leaders, tech guys, youth ministers and (especially) church secretaries are incredibly capable of the things you throw at them. If you ask me, a GREAT reality show would be to throw in all church staff and see who cracks first. My guess is that the church business administrator would take home the big prize. Who's in? NBC? ABC? CBS? Oprah's Network? I'll help you develop it. You're welcome.
