My Plight

So my roommate asked me to go to the store to pick up some stuff for people that are coming over this weekend. She gave me her credit card to get the stuff. We could have gone later today, but she has a lot to do and I wanted to get it done for her. Seems like a harmless chore. So I go to the store, get the stuff and, of course, I am the only person in the last 38 years to have someone ask to see my license. Really? Come on. It was awful. (Maybe I am being a little dramatic, but hold on) There were two ladies working at the register I was at. I told them just to cancel and I would use my card. One of the ladies just kept shaking her head at me in disappointment...I felt like a seven year old whose mother just caught her playing instead of making her bed. I left the store.
See, my whole life has taught me to not be a rule breaker...actually, it has shown to not even be a rule bender or pusher. The only time I have ever sped, I got a ticket. The one time I got my parents to let me stay out as long as I wanted in high school, I had an encounter with the police (I wasn't actually doing anything, but apparently my friends and I looked "suspicious"). I have come to feel like I can't take any chances because the moment I do I get a slap on the wrist and someone shaking their head in disappointment at me. And I end up going home with knots in my stomach feeling awful about myself.
I think is what has happened to me in the past year. I muster up enough strength to venture out and take some big chances. Now I feel like I have come home with the whole world disappointed in me and my decisions. I feel like I took chances trying to love people and they all blew up in my face. And although I know that the situation is much more complex and that the Lord gave me wonderful things through all of it, I feel the same things I felt when I left the store earlier-embarrassed, angry, stupid and sad.
I guess what I am now trying to figure out is how do I move on and still take chances? It is too scary for me most of the time. I am always afraid of being hung out to dry. But I know that in order to love people the way that Jesus did, I will have to take chances. But is there ever a point when enough is enough?

Reading...it's good for you

Since I have been back in Georgia, I have been quite the book fanatic. I am beginning to be quite impressed with myself. That's beside the point, though. Awhile I ago I picked up Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger. I had heard it was good. I'm about 2/3 through it and although I'm not sure I totally understand it, yet, I really have enjoyed it, but again this is beside the point. Last night I was reading and one of the parts goes like this:

He said that you were the only one who was bitter about S.'s suicide and the only one who really forgave him for it. The rest of us, he said, were outwardly unbitter and inwardly unforgiving. This may be truer than true.

After this I got to thinking that it is really only when we are outwardly honest about what we think and feel that we are able to forgive anyone, including ourselves. Now this isn't that easy. It is difficult to throw all that out on the table, because we feel such complex emotions. It means being honest about the way we dealt with things, how we felt about life rather it was correct or valid or embarrassing. It means seeing reality, true reality, not just one's own perspective on life. Now I'm not really sure what this looks like, but I think it has to be a part of walking by faith. I mean faith is taking a leap, right? Trusting the Lord and how He is working in you. Having faith in Him enough to step out and speak up, no matter the immediate consequence, because when all is said and done forgiveness is at the end. And forgiveness is one of the largest parts of our lives. Forgiveness from the Lord and forgiveness from one another and ourselves.

that's all for now...sorry it is rambled...I have coherent thoughts sometimes, promise...hopefully soon I will be able to share those with you, too