During college I worked for a super fun ministry and one weekend we were in the mountains. After our Friday night meeting some of the host moms were gushing over the worship leader/speaker. And I get it, he was really handsome and loved the Lord and the music was really worshipful and he talked about Jesus. But these ladies just kept going on and on about how great he was and they kept talking about how he is a great example of a man who loves Jesus. (For the record, he was really great and I don't want the rest of the story to say that he isn't...this isn't about his character).
Well here's the thing. Right after he finished speaking, he went to one of the other girl leaders and confessed that the whole time he really had to poop. Yeah, I said that (sorry mom). He had to go to the bathroom and he was really gassy. So although he loved the Lord, the urgency and passion that came across during worship and the teaching was much more practical than spiritual.
I've thought about this story for many years. Chiefly because I think it is hilarious, but also because it reveals a lot about our lives. Sometimes what comes across on the outside, has a totally different origin than we would imagine. Sometimes we are full of emotional, mental and spiritual connection and sometimes we are completely distracted. The perception of us and the reality of us can be worlds apart.
But we choose.
We have a choice in how to worship and how to glorify the Lord at any given moment.
Isn't it interesting what perceptions are tied to? The surface layer and assumptions, but there is so much more. And God calls for all of it. And Jesus fills the gap between us and that demand because we can't do it. In that is where the freedom from perception is found. It's because of that grace that my friend could lead us in worship while his body demanded something else (hehehe...its funny, okay), causing his heart and mind to be somewhere else.
I'm thankful for that grace, because I get distracted. My head and heart can be all over the place sometimes and Jesus says in those moments, "I love you, be still." He still longs for my obedience because he loves me, but my standing before him is no longer tied to that. He is for me.
And people's perceptions, well they are what they are and we trust the Lord for that, too.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Chocolate Sprinkles and Sin
One of my favorite things in the whole world is going to lunch by myself and reading a book (whoa...my introvert is showing). I get so much studying and thinking and processing done when I can steal away for an hour or so. And its nice to have the hustle and bustle of community around me.
Yesterday, I was doing just that and it was awesome. I was reading Speak Love and preparing for some small groups this semester, so I was thinking a lot about human behavior and then I saw the most interesting thing. Fascinating.
I took a break from reading and went to grab some ice cream. There was a boy there, maybe 10 years old and the buddy just wanted some sprinkles on his ice cream. And I can support that, sprinkles make everything better. The problem was that the little guy had only gotten maybe 25% of the sprinkles on his ice cream and the rest were lying on the table around the bowl. It was a MESS. He was trying to clean it up, shoveling the sprinkles into a little pile. I'm not sure what his plan was, but when he saw me standing there he suddenly got really self conscious. He then scraped the chocolate sprinkles into his hand and with sneakiness and embarrassment on his face carefully dropped his hand by his side and dropped the sprinkles on the ground.
Ya'll...this poor kid! I felt bad for him and felt like that one act showed his heart so clearly. And I would know, because I can see 10 year old me doing the exact same thing. Honestly, I do the same thing now, just with life instead of sprinkles. See, some people deal with their sin with a "who cares, let it all hang out kind of attitude." Not me and not my friend from yesterday. We try to clean it up before anyone notices. One of the most interesting parts of what I noticed was that the kid was perfectly calm about cleaning up his mess and dumping it on the floor. He wasn't ashamed of that part. It was when he realized that someone else saw him that he was flustered.
Isn't that exactly how I deal with the mess of my heart? If I can clean up the outside parts and no one notices it, then it doesn't really count. It doesn't matter. It's only when I'm caught that I have to deal with it. Right? Right? Yeah, I know...it doesn't work that way.
The problem is that my offense is against God. Take the boy for example. His mess had nothing to do with me. I wasn't going to have to clean it up whether it was on the table OR the floor. His offense wasn't against me. It was against the employees of the restaurant. They would be the ones responsible for cleaning up and it wouldn't matter where the mess was. It was going to have to be cleaned by them. But the kid was afraid of me. I made him uncomfortable, because I exposed his mess. But, it was never about me.
The mess I make in my life, my sin, has never been about the people around me. It's been about my ugly and faithless heart against a God who loves me. My offense isn't just my behavior, my offense is my heart against a relational God. And no amount of covering up my behavior is going to fix that. I have to go to the Lord and repent, putting my trust in Jesus. Instead of covering my sin, I should grieve over it and in repentance allow Jesus to cover me in his grace.
What about you? When was the last time you grieved over your sin? Do you try to cover up your behavior and not acknowledge your offense against God?
Yesterday, I was doing just that and it was awesome. I was reading Speak Love and preparing for some small groups this semester, so I was thinking a lot about human behavior and then I saw the most interesting thing. Fascinating.
I took a break from reading and went to grab some ice cream. There was a boy there, maybe 10 years old and the buddy just wanted some sprinkles on his ice cream. And I can support that, sprinkles make everything better. The problem was that the little guy had only gotten maybe 25% of the sprinkles on his ice cream and the rest were lying on the table around the bowl. It was a MESS. He was trying to clean it up, shoveling the sprinkles into a little pile. I'm not sure what his plan was, but when he saw me standing there he suddenly got really self conscious. He then scraped the chocolate sprinkles into his hand and with sneakiness and embarrassment on his face carefully dropped his hand by his side and dropped the sprinkles on the ground.
Ya'll...this poor kid! I felt bad for him and felt like that one act showed his heart so clearly. And I would know, because I can see 10 year old me doing the exact same thing. Honestly, I do the same thing now, just with life instead of sprinkles. See, some people deal with their sin with a "who cares, let it all hang out kind of attitude." Not me and not my friend from yesterday. We try to clean it up before anyone notices. One of the most interesting parts of what I noticed was that the kid was perfectly calm about cleaning up his mess and dumping it on the floor. He wasn't ashamed of that part. It was when he realized that someone else saw him that he was flustered.
Isn't that exactly how I deal with the mess of my heart? If I can clean up the outside parts and no one notices it, then it doesn't really count. It doesn't matter. It's only when I'm caught that I have to deal with it. Right? Right? Yeah, I know...it doesn't work that way.
The problem is that my offense is against God. Take the boy for example. His mess had nothing to do with me. I wasn't going to have to clean it up whether it was on the table OR the floor. His offense wasn't against me. It was against the employees of the restaurant. They would be the ones responsible for cleaning up and it wouldn't matter where the mess was. It was going to have to be cleaned by them. But the kid was afraid of me. I made him uncomfortable, because I exposed his mess. But, it was never about me.
The mess I make in my life, my sin, has never been about the people around me. It's been about my ugly and faithless heart against a God who loves me. My offense isn't just my behavior, my offense is my heart against a relational God. And no amount of covering up my behavior is going to fix that. I have to go to the Lord and repent, putting my trust in Jesus. Instead of covering my sin, I should grieve over it and in repentance allow Jesus to cover me in his grace.
What about you? When was the last time you grieved over your sin? Do you try to cover up your behavior and not acknowledge your offense against God?
Thursday, September 05, 2013
How Robert E Lee ruined my life
Fourth grade was really traumatic. I had an awful teacher and the class wasn't full of rocket scientists. Katie Tolbert and I were the smartest kids in the class (fast forward to high school graduation and Katie was valedictorian, but that's a different story). Most days Katie and I would finish our work well before everyone else and go play in the courtyard or organize our teacher's National Geographic collection (I still can't look at those magazines, but again that's a different story).
We had a history test and I was ready to add another 100 to the grade book. But I got to the last question and I had no clue what the answer was. Not even a clue. It was like reading a foreign language. I must have set there racking my brain for ten minutes. And I was panicking. Heart racing, clammy hands panicking. I didn't even know where to begin.
Then Katie walked by my front row seat. She was going to turn her test in to our teacher. And here's the thing, that question I didn't know was on the back page. So when Katie walked by I saw the answer. I didn't mean to. Really I didn't. But I saw it. And my little 10 year old heart panicked again. It was wrong to cheat. And I didn't know the answer 30 seconds prior, but now I did and it wasn't my fault that I saw it.
For the next few minutes (it felt like a trillion years), my head and heart wrestled. What was the right thing to do? Was it bad to write down the answer now that I knew it? How did I not know the answer? Where did I go wrong? It was bad news for kid me.
Guess what I did. I wrote the answer down. It was Robert E Lee. And I got a hundred. I would love to say that I felt guilty about it and confessed to my not-so-good-at-teaching teacher, but I didn't. But that moment had an impact on my life. I know because I remember it. Vividly. It was the first time I cheated. And I knew it was wrong, but I chose to do it anyway and I justified doing it.
And that's how Robert E Lee ruined my life. It wasn't really his fault, it was mine. And I still struggle with wanting to justify my sin. You probably do, too. But Jesus is bigger than that. He gives us freedom to not "know the answer." And that is good. We don't have to panic and scramble because of who Jesus. We can live and enjoy and learn and be kind and do the right thing, even when its really hard, because Jesus made room for us to do that and He promises to provide and love us.
Let's live in that.
We had a history test and I was ready to add another 100 to the grade book. But I got to the last question and I had no clue what the answer was. Not even a clue. It was like reading a foreign language. I must have set there racking my brain for ten minutes. And I was panicking. Heart racing, clammy hands panicking. I didn't even know where to begin.
Then Katie walked by my front row seat. She was going to turn her test in to our teacher. And here's the thing, that question I didn't know was on the back page. So when Katie walked by I saw the answer. I didn't mean to. Really I didn't. But I saw it. And my little 10 year old heart panicked again. It was wrong to cheat. And I didn't know the answer 30 seconds prior, but now I did and it wasn't my fault that I saw it.
For the next few minutes (it felt like a trillion years), my head and heart wrestled. What was the right thing to do? Was it bad to write down the answer now that I knew it? How did I not know the answer? Where did I go wrong? It was bad news for kid me.
Guess what I did. I wrote the answer down. It was Robert E Lee. And I got a hundred. I would love to say that I felt guilty about it and confessed to my not-so-good-at-teaching teacher, but I didn't. But that moment had an impact on my life. I know because I remember it. Vividly. It was the first time I cheated. And I knew it was wrong, but I chose to do it anyway and I justified doing it.
And that's how Robert E Lee ruined my life. It wasn't really his fault, it was mine. And I still struggle with wanting to justify my sin. You probably do, too. But Jesus is bigger than that. He gives us freedom to not "know the answer." And that is good. We don't have to panic and scramble because of who Jesus. We can live and enjoy and learn and be kind and do the right thing, even when its really hard, because Jesus made room for us to do that and He promises to provide and love us.
Let's live in that.
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