I am not a liar

It's true. I am not a liar. Actually, I am usually brutally honest. I am far too introspective and I think too much, which leads me to have a keen self awareness. With that said...
I have this nightmare a couple times a year where I am screaming and no one can hear me. What is most perplexing about the dream is that there are people all around me. My life is not like that at all right now. It is the opposite. I feel like I am sitting serenely and all the people around me keep pushing me to talk about "how I really feel." It's like when a mom tries to pick up a child who is not affectionate. The child is annoyed and squirms around to get back to what he was doing. Apparently no one believes that I can function right now, but that I am actually repressing a lot of sadness and hurt. That's simply not the case-no repressing here.
Why is that as Christians we preach trusting the Lord and resting in a peace beyond our understanding and looking to future glory, but never really act on those things? I feel like the restless child, I just want to get back to life.
Now, let me clarify some things. Yes, there is emotion to be taken into account. But emotion is not everything. And there are things that need closure and clarification. That will be dealt with in due time. I just don't understand why all these rules for "normal" life keep getting applied. Has anyone really taken a look at the world? Nothing is ever "normal." So why don't we all just trust the Lord? For two reasons. One, because we don't want to do the work. It takes a lot of time, energy and messiness to do this. And because trusting God is more threatening than a set of centralized standards. Because truly trusting in the Lord means giving up any sense of control that those standards offer. And although standards are not wrong, I think a lot of time we institute them to avoid hurt rather than pursuing the Lord with heart. But it is in risking hurt and losing this false sense of control that we find the sweetest rest there is-the infinite rest from the Lord.
Don't misunderstand me. I am about as rule bound as they come. I think I am learning, though, that I am bound to my set of standards and rules, rather than delighting in the law of the Lord. And I am seeing these trends around me. I am thankful for the care and protection that I am receiving from those around me. I just think that maybe we are missing it a little bit.
So what is my conclusion? Not positive just yet. But I am sure I will come up with something, because I think too much.

And p.s. I am not a liar.

Perfection: a future hope, not a present reality

To say that the past week and a half was easy or pleasant would be a lie. I could safely say that it has been the second most difficult and confusing time in my life. But I am okay. I will be fine. This time will be over soon enough. People keep asking me how I am doing. I only mind when they ask with an expectation of me breaking down. I hate that. Don't expect me to be a mess, I will be a mess when I want to be. But for now, God has given me peace and why don't people believe that. So I have decided that in writing down what I believe, maybe people will start to think that I am not a liar when I answer them. Buckle up, here we go...
I learned these things the summer after I was graduated from high school. I haven't been the same since. We live in a fallen world. There are practical and unbelievable consequences to that. Everything has been affected by this. The world is dying and decaying. Our bodies our dying and decaying. Everything from bug bites to eyeglasses to sickness are an effect of our sin. So we can stop blaming God for all this and look to Him for His gracious restoration. The question is not "why do bad things happen to good people", because we are not good outside of Christ. Bad things happen to fallen people. So why are we surprised when the fallen world produces fallen circumstances? Because we judge ourselves with man's thinking, not God's thinking. So what's the point? When all falls apart, it is not God's fault and it is not a specific person's fault, it is a result of a fallen world and it provides an opportunity for humanity to look to the Lord for His grace, mercy and life.
Now I understand this doesn't erase emotion or frustration. As a matter of fact, understanding the fallen world and a God of restoration (partially now and fully at glorification) allows freedom to feel. I can cry and be upset because this is the world of tears, the world of hurt. And that is okay. It will not be until glorification that the Father will wipe away my tears. I can't wait for that, but for now I will choose to cry when I want to and at the same time I will look to Christ knowing that because of His work one day I will stop crying. My hope is great because of this. And this hope doesn't cast out emotion, but makes it appropriate and not overwhelming.
So what does my life look like? It looks like trusting the Lord when whatever comes my way at any given point. It is crying, laughing, resting, or whatever else I do all knowing that the Father loves me. It is freedom to live in a fallen world, knowing that perfection will come not today, but in glory.