When it all goes wrong

Have you ever just been really wrong about something? Like flat wrong? It seems as of late, I'm just wrong...a lot. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm not trying to sound pathetic...just factual. In many areas of my life, I'm just off. I think God is humbling me in a lot ways. For far too long I've been able to control how I feel, how I respond, what I think. Turns out that I can't get a grip on any of those things lately. The bad news is that I'm a rotten, wretched sinner. The great news is that Jesus is my Rock. It's lovely to know that when my life is spinning in a way I'm not capable of handling, my hope is in an unwavering Savior. It's not in my location or my job or a relationship. It's so much stronger than that. You see, if my hope was in my job or a person, it would be shallow and counterfeit. I would have no hope. But because of God's grace, my hope is so much better and so much more real that I could have imagined. The best part about being a mess and knowing how incapable I am, is that Jesus is all the more sweet.

When I quit my job a few months ago, I was certain (like I knew, but I told people that I didn't know so they would think I was holy) about where I was going. Everything lined up. It made sense. All the goals I wanted to accomplish could be accomplished there. I had friends, it was an ideal location, great job-one that would allow my heart to heal...I even had a place to live. I was ready to go. Oh, except that that's not where God ended up leading me. As a matter of fact, I was a shoe in for the job, but I never even heard back from them. I was dead wrong. I ended up in a place unexpected. One that is pushing my heart to be more like Christ's. One that is showing me the depths of my sin and the Savior whose love, mercy and grace far exceeds those depths. One where sanctification is good and difficult. One where I am wrong a lot and need Jesus more and more.

I don't think I've ever been more thankful to be so wrong.

What is the measure of life?

I've been taking my high school girls through Ecclesiastes. It's intense to say the least. Last week we talked about how enjoyment and happiness is a poor measure of life. It's completely inaccurate. And I stand by that. However, I think that I struggle with the other extreme tending to believe that if something is difficult then it is out of God's plan for me. How awful is that? God is a good God and in the Word it says that He gives good things. I believe that God is the giver of good-both happiness and struggle. They are both important. God says that He comes to give the abundant life and that would mean a whole spectrum of experiences. Why do I measure my life by the struggle and run away from the enjoyable then? Why do I think that my life is more "godly" if it is marked by significant struggle. I believe that God restores and redeems. He binds up the broken and heals the sick. Granted, I will suffer. But I was made to rejoice as well. Is it possible that my cynical heart keeps me from the joy that God gives. I do love boundaries and control, but I think that I keep myself closed off from the freedom that God gives by loving and enjoying Him. There's some irony here, too, because I have fun. Its just that I think I miss the richness of life because I think more of suffering than rejoicing. Theologically that just doesn't seem right. It should be a balance. Submitting to God's plan day to day whatever that may look like. There is after all a time to mourn and a time to rejoice.

He has made you brave

The last few months have been quite the whirlwind and I've remained fairly tight lipped about all of it. I had been wondering if it was time to leave the life I had in Florida seriously since the spring. But it was too difficult to fathom. Although there were many things that were difficult, I don't think that life is about avoidance of trial and so I prayed for endurance and sanctification. Yet, as the summer went on it became more and more clear that something had to give. Turns out it was me. I was petrified as I was starting to pray over senior high camp. There was a position open in a great city, with a good church, and I had friends there. I was excited about the possibility, yet frightened of change and hurt and I hate quitting anything. But sometimes the race is over and it is foolish to keep running. That's the advice I was given by a wise friend. She was right.

The following weekend proved to me that it was time to move on and so the following week while at junior high camp, I committed to praying through the idea and seeking God's peace and wisdom. That's where I was met with the message of God's strength and provision. The worship leader shared a story of how his daughter was afraid of the ocean and the waves and he reminded her that her father was stronger than all that was coming her way. It is the same with our heavenly Father. He is bigger and stronger than the waves of life that come all too quickly. The ones we can't see or prepare for. The ones that take us by surprise. The ones that are scary and knock us down. And because of who He is, we can trust and step out in faith.

It was at this time that I started reading a book about God's will for our life. It's premise is that God's will for lives is sanctification. To be more like Him. For our hearts to be made more like Jesus'. With every scripture I read, it called me to examine my heart. Was I becoming more like Christ or not? Honestly, I was becoming more fearful, more timid. I was hiding more and speaking truth less. I was shutting down completely. That's not who God made me to be. And I long to be more like Christ. I don't want to shutter in fear, but rather cling to the gospel that makes me confident in the Lord. And so I concluded that it was time to

pursue being who God calls, rather than just doing what God calls.

Quitting my job and life as I knew it, with no idea where I was going, was one of the scariest things I have ever done. But God put an assurance in my heart and in the hearts of those who surrounded me. For that I am thankful. This is where I first started thinking about the phrase, "He has made you brave." For it is the Lord who gives me courage. Any of you who know me know that I am consumed by fear. I really struggle with it. But through Jesus, I am made brave. I am so thankful for this courage. His unwavering love that secures my heart. Not only did I need it to leave, but I need it to begin again. 

how long does it take to pack up an office?

...turns out about an hour if you have help loading your car.

I'm preparing to leave Florida and am so grateful for all the ways I see the Lord working. It has been a packed two years-full of sweetness,victories and struggle. This mountain/lake girl conquered the beach. My hippy side meshed with my classic, fresh out of gap side. I came to believe in God as my Comfort and He showed me how to pray again. I learned that I am not the protector of my heart and that because He is, I can continually open my heart. I learned to live with people. I have painted more and forced myself to stop being a baby and finally play bar chords. I started playing cello again (albeit poorly).
Right now I am so thankful for God's directional will in my life and that even though I don't know where I am headed, I can step out in faith and adventure knowing that being obedient to Him is what matters most. He is my Keeper and the Provider of all things. That is where I stand.
It is more than slightly overwhelming not to know where one will be in a month (or how they will get all there stuff there...does anyone know how to pull a trailer? b/c I don't), but there is something exciting about knowing that God knows what is best for my heart and that all things work together for my salvation. That means not just my justification, but daily. So I look forward to this part of my sanctification. What is it that will make my heart more like Jesus'. I think I'm about to find out.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I haven't updated in forever. I'm thinking maybe I should start back. Any thoughts? On one hand I like writing. On the other, it is a lot of energy to be witty. Input is welcome.

While I have your attention...here's a list:

1.) Read Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. You'll be glad you did.

2.) I want a Mac

3.) Friday Night Lights is my new favorite show. Can I marry Matt Saracen please?

4.) Want to know what I'm thankful for? Well, for one, I have interesting friends. Please ask me about the phone conversation I had today or about any of friends. They are well accomplished and talented. When people speak poorly of 20-somethings...I wonder who they are talking about, because the ones I know are kicking butt and taking names all while loving others really well.

5.) Lists are fun.

All Grown Up

Last night I was able to see some friends of mine from high school play a show at Jax Beach. It was really fun. It got me thinking on the way home about that particular time in my life. There were about 8 of us that spent a lot of time together. I was telling two of the boys last night that one of the things about growing up in a small town that I am thankful for is that we are all really creative. We learned to be self entertaining. We can take an afternoon with nothing to do and turn it into a great game or an epic adventure. (please ask me about my high school days sometime, the stories are endless and hilarious) And from that thought I starting thinking about all of us and almost all of us are living our dreams-some are rock stars, one is a missionary, one is a world traveler, one is a wife and mom, I'm doing youth ministry. I think that it is really rare that all of us, under 30, have accomplished this. And not only that, but we have been doing it for awhile.

I'm just really thankful for that and encouraged by this group of people that I was able to grow up with. That is all.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined" -Thoreau

restful Monday's and the age old question

This weekend I was sick. I don't get sick very often and I have never been sick like this. It wasn't a "I'm going to vomit on you" or even a runny nose sick. It was sharp pain, please cut out my sinuses sick. I had zero energy and in general was pretty grumpy. You know its bad when a 14 yr old tells you look awful. The sad part was that it was true. Also, my house was full of teenage girls. Which overall wasn't a bad thing, b/c I got some quality time with my students. However, what I didn't get was rest on my days off. All that to say, I took Monday off. After a slow morning and lunch with a friend, me and my favorite Wilkening girls (by favorite I mean youngest) headed over to the lake to hang out on the dock. It was beautiful. We read, slept, danced and I painted a little. It's amazing what two hours of peace and a little sun can do for your soul. Check facebook for pictures. And its scenery like that that makes me thankful for Florida...which doesn't happen often.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about life lately. That's not abnormal for me, I think too much. However, I keep coming back to where is my life heading. What does God have in store for me. I see my life going in two very different directions right now. Both involve building community and aiming to love people like Christ loves, but one is in a different country and the other is here. One involves minimalism, the other "normalcy." Both terrify me, but in a good way.

some thoughts

I would like to get back into updating this blog a little more often. I used to be good at it, then I stopped writing b/c it has an emotional toll and I wasn't willing to pay that. However, writing is fun and I miss doing it and for all 5 (6, including my mother) people who actually read this deal-I'm sure reading about the lizard escapade is getting a little old.

I've never wanted this space to be something where I pour my heart out, let's be honest, I've never been that vulnerable and sharing my heart with the world via blogger just seems unwise. However, I do want it to be a place where I am honest about life whether that be humor, sarcasm, or grievances. And I would like to start using this forum to do that again.

The last few months has been a time of growth for me. The Lord has revealed a lot to me and has begun to restore things that I thought were lost. I hope that it makes me better able to love those around me and to live the abundant life that God has promised. With all that said, all these things have required that I re-evaluate my goals. So I thought I would share some of those with you. Any thoughts are much appreciated. :)

1.) read The Brothers Karamozov (the book just sits on my shelf, mocking my intelligence)

2.) paint more, learn actual technique

3.) learn to play either banjo or drums

4.) brush up on piano and cello

5.) get a tan

6.) learn more about JAX

7.) places to visit in 2010: Austin, Seattle, Mobile, lakehouse

8.) convince my brother not to move to the other side of the country (at least attempt)

9.) learn Greek

10.) learn to solve a rubiks cube

11.) beat Adam Langley at stratego

...I was going to try to end on a good solid number, but I like to leave you all wanting more, so 11 it is.

p.s. If you were a Christian rapper, what would your name be? I'm going with 'lil princess (being that Sara means princess)

Know Any Lizard Catchers?

There's a lizard in my house. I hate lizards. They're disgusting (well, the wild ones are...pet ones are cute). It's just sitting by the sliding glass door. I was going to open the door and scurry it on out, but it's sitting next to the lock and he'll just move and go away and I will be able to hear him in walls as I sleep.
So this is what I have learned...I have to get married. Right now. I am shrinking my long list of husband requirements down to one: keep lizards out of my house. That's all I need.*^ So first man at my door with a ring and proof he can keep out lizards is the winner.
Please hurry.

*ok, you need to love Jesus
^and take out the trash

Vacation Ramblings

I'm hanging out in Raleigh, NC today. Great city and I absolutely feel like I conquered it. Ask me about my quest (and success) to find breakfast and, then, batteries. You'll be proud of me. After my nap, I really wanted to play guitar, but mine are at home. Thus, I headed to guitar center. The one here is probably my favorite of all time, chiefly because the guy who helped me is my new best friend. We talked for quite awhile. He had gauges in his ears and an awesome beard. Normally, gauges freak me out, but not on Jon. He showed me a bunch of guitars and let me play the ones that are super expensive even though he knew I wasn't going to buy one. He told me about playing a show at Murray Hill a few months ago which I thought was cool given that it is JAX and he's from Raleigh. Overall great experience.
I was a left babbling a little when he asked immediately if I wanted a guitar for playing at church. That was his first thought about my playing. I spent the next hour that I was there picking on a Taylor and wondering what about me screams "church girl." I'm not sure its necessarily a bad thing, I just don't know what his basis for it was. I wanted to ask, but I only have so much courage and I have used up all my reserves this past week. Is it something I wear (b/c non-christians were jeans, purple pullovers and pearl earrings, too)? Was it that I have a sugary sweet, 10 year old sounding voice that only speaks in pleases and thank yous and I smile a lot (b/c non-christians have manners, too)? Was it the I heart Jesus and you should too tattoo on my forehead? I'm just not sure. I didn't think that one could tell just by looking at someone, but maybe they should and maybe I should think about the presence I give b/c I have no clue what happened today. I plan to start watching people and the presence they have and maybe I will figure out what gave me away.


p.s. kidding about the tattoo

Why I Hate Church Signs

The worst church signs are the ones with some stupid cutesy saying on them. My favorite-"fight truth decay...read the bible." Stupid. Well, I thought these were the worst until I was driving home yesterday. This is what the sign read-"Happy Mothers Day! Mothers are special, that's why God made sure we all got one." Harmless at first and I am all for celebrating moms, but what about those people who don't have a relationship with their moms. What about orphans or adopted children. I know what the sign means and all. I even understand that the cleverness of it is that someone had to birth us, so we all have moms. But there is an underlying meaning that says if you don't have a mom active in your life, then God didn't make sure you had one. It says that God didn't care enough to put a mom in your life. Well that is horrible theology. To imply that God isn't just as active in your life if you don't have a mom. I had to fight the urge to run into the church's office and beat everyone in the office with a bouquet of mother's day flowers, fortunately I realized that it was after 5pm so everyone was gone.
I just wish that church's would think before they advertise something to the world. We send so many messages to people, even if they aren't what we meant to and those messages can do a lot of harm.

If ever I have made a mistake...

...that's right, I admit it. I made a huge mistake. At the time it seemed like a great idea, clever even. But, alas, it has turned into quite a nuisance. "What am I talking about?" you ask. I decided to get a UGA themed debit card. See, I had to get a new debit card and the options were stupid blue Bank of America card that a trillion people have or something a little more personalized. And being that I have a strong need for individuality I decided to get a red debit card with the Georgia "G" on it. In my head I was thinking "what could be better? I love the dawgs and the world needs to know it." So I got the UGA card.
Here's the problem-I use my debit card at least a trillion times a week (don't freak out mom, me saying "a trillion" is hyperbole...not an accurate picture of my spending habits...I don't need a talk on financial responsibility). And about 1/2 a trillion times, the person making my transaction feels the need to comment on the card. Now I know that Jesus tells us to love our neighbors, but he doesn't say that I have to talk to everyone I see and sometimes I just don't want to talk to you Old Navy checkout lady. I just don't...give me my clothes and let me be. But now they see a way into conversation and that way is the Georgia "G." I mean what am I supposed to say? "Yeah, I'm an alumna and probably the only one that never went to a band party" or "Yeah, my team is better than your" and, then poke them in the eye? I don't know...It is awkward and I don't like it.
So here are your lessons...get over your need for individuality and get the normal bank card-trust me no one says a word to you about it. Or if you are one of the many who are employed by a business who accepts debit cards, don't comment on the card. I know you think that a personalized card says of its owner "hey, talk to me about my card b/c I took extra time picking it out", but it doesn't say that and if you aren't careful you will get poked in the eye and that isn't fun.

ridiculous bumper stickers

I have never really understood bumper stickers. I can buy into sports teams or even bands, but the ones that have a lot of writing and pack a punch of personal belief really kind of chap me. I saw one the other day that was especially annoying. It was sticker that ran along the entire back window of an SUV. It read impeachobama (it also had a website, but I refuse to post it). I voted for McCain. It's cool for you to know that. I tend to have republican ideals...whatever. But to impeach someone is a big deal. Why in the world would someone not only think it was okay to impeach a president without proper reason, but to plaster that on your car for 100's of others to see...really its just stupidity. So this is my declaration: people, be cautious of what you put on your car. We are the ones that have to look at it. I don't care about your "honor roll kid" or your "kid that beat up the honor roll kid". If "Jesus is your co-pilot", I don't want to be your friend. If you have a pink "University of Florida Girl" slapped across your silver Honda Civic, I automatically want to run you off the road. Please, just make good decisions. If you need some help on deciding what is bumper appropriate I am more than willing to tell you.

Hope

This I call to mind and therefore I have hope, because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. His compassions never fail

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Euphemsims

Euphemisms-I don't like them. Especially when referring to death. I think they are pointless. There really isn't a nicer way to say that someone died. I started noticing when I was in college that it wasn't until somewhere between 18 and 20 that one starts using euphemisms. Don't believe me? Talk to a 16 year old. They will shoot it straight. Maybe that's why I appreciate teenagers, they don't try to pretty things up. I resolved a few years ago to not use euphemisms for death...just thought I would share.

Winter is Here

Dear Florida,

Thank you for granting my request...I am enjoying the cold weather very much.

Sincerely,

SD

Winter

Florida,

For your information it is January. Please don't cheat me out of winter. Stop being so hot.

Thanks.

Beloved

In the last week I have felt an incredible amount of stress. I cried...in front of people...and that is a big deal for me. I wasn't granting myself any grace in any area of my life. I was demanding perfection from myself and those around me. This is not the world of perfection. God has been so gracious to me in the last week in revealing Himself to me and covering me with His peace. A friend shared this story with me and I have been mulling over it the last few days. She was talking to her younger sister who was being overly hard on herself and saying that she was stupid. My friend reminded her sister of her baptism and that she is united with Christ. That means that she can't say that she is stupid because she is loved. How great is that?
A few months ago I talked to high schoolers about when Paul says that he has a thorn in his side and that is a "messenger from Satan." What that means is that that thorn comes with a message of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worthy", but that is not true because the truth is "I am loved." So whatever I face, the truth is that I am loved deeply and completely and I am united with Christ.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness --Lamentations 3:21-23

Show me that smile again...

I was thinking last night as I drove past some pretty tacky Christmas lights (oh the joy) that there are some pretty random things in this world that make me ridiculously happy. They are silly to be honest, but I enjoy them tremendously and they make me really thankful. I thought I would share them. Any insight on why stupid, meaningless things bring such delight to us is welcome. The only thought I have is that God loves us. Here is my list:

1.) Tacky Christmas lights
2.) The Growing Pains theme song (Show me that smile again...show me that smile)
3.) Waffle-knit fabric
4.) Open windows (in your car or at home)
5.) Playing monopoly next to a lit Christmas tree


...there are more, but this is enough for now...later

Sweet December

I love November and December. There is so much excitement. I mean, you have Thanksgiving, a lot of birthdays (including my own) and, then, Christmas. Plus, with all the traveling and time off I get more time to catch up with people. In the last 42 hours I have talked with four people that I never get to talk to anymore. It's fabulous. And then you have the decorating, fun music, Christmas movies and getting to wear sweaters because it is cold. It's just a good time.
I spent Thanksgiving last week with my family at a state park in SC. It was so fun. I was also able to visit one of my best friends from college and her family. It was really wonderful. I think the best part about these visits and the conversations I have had lately is that it has allowed me to talk about what I am thankful for. Day to day we deal with the mess and the problems and we talk them to death. But when I get to talk to people that I don't see everyday, I get to give them the big picture. I found that in talking about life as a whole-the challenges and the blessings-my heart softened and I was encouraged. I got to tell them how I see the Lord working both in and around me. And that is good. And that is just another reason that I like this time of year.


p.s. I am making a gingerbread house tonight and the christmas tree in my house is sweet-there are three layers of lights-at the bottom:white lights, in the middle:multi-colored lights, on top:multi-colored flashing lights---all powered by a foot switch. It is beautiful.