I bought video games this week.

People, come visit me in Texas...


Until then, I have been reading Orthodoxy by GK Chesterton. I am a fan. Here are the two statements that made a big impact during my reading today:

"A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged...For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony."

"In short, I had always believed that the world involved magic: now I thought that perhaps it involved a magician. And this pointed a profound emotion always present and sub-conscious; that this world of ours has some purpose; and if there is a purpose, there is a person. I had always felt life first as a story: and if there is a story there is a story-teller."

My heart is in TJ

It's been a couple of days since we got back from Mexico. It has been nice to shower and flush toilets, but it's exhausting to enter back into everyday life. My mind is racing again and it makes me long for the pace of life and sense of community that we experienced last week in Mexico. So as a way of avoiding "real life" let me tell you a little about the trip.

It started out at the crack of dawn last Saturday. We flew into San Diego and spent the afternoon in Coronado. Let me tell you that at this point I was not excited for the trip. I was tired of planning, tired of talking about it, etc. At Coronado I was able to hang out with some great girls and one of my favorite people of all time stopped by to visit. After some catching up with my old friend, Jenla, the group headed to cross the border. We had a moment of silence as it was my first time out of the country and then we entered Mexico. The first thing I noticed was the traffic. I was really thankful that I wasn't driving. I like the rules of driving. I like lanes and stop signs and people that obey them (although by the end of the week, I found the lack of obedience slightly liberating).

The orphanage was amazing. Not so much the place that we slept (i had a cot in the hallway), but the construction for what will be the new orphanage. Its exciting to see how many families and children will be served in this new building. I was overwhelmed by the atmosphere at the orphanage-it was safe. I liked it.

We woke up the next morning and headed to our sites in our work groups. I had the most amazing group of students and co-leaders. I was blessed by them and thankful for the ministry that happened. I am so grateful for their positive attitudes, because we spent the next three days doing some intense manual labor. We moved the most amount of dirt and rocks that I have ever seen and then mixed cement for the floor of the house. Laying cement is not easy. But relating to people while laying cement is. I have three new best friends now. The rest of the week we built the walls and put up siding, painted and put on the roof. It was pretty typical of house building.

At night we spent time together before dinner, showered from a bucket, ate dinner, had program and prayed with our prayer partner. Then it was bedtime, except I usually ended up picking a girl's room and going in there and chatting it up for awhile. It was great. I loved being able to get that much time to learn about my students and talk to them about their lives.

Mornings were slow paced. Breakfast, leader meeting, quiet times. It was delightful. TJ in the morning smells and sounds a little like a country farm-dogs barking, roosters crowing, birds chirping and the smell of a new day. I delighted in it more everyday.

One of the best parts were our site owners. They were a family of 7. Dad, Mom and 5 kids. Three of the daughters spent the majority of their day with us. They were so fun. Keep in mind that I speak .2 words of Spanish. But seeing their eyes light up when we would drive up was the best feeling. I brought them a coloring book on the next to last day and got to color with them for a good bit of the morning. It was so fun. I re-learned my colors in Spanish. I learned more than just a little Spanish from this family. The dad is an honest policeman. Its pretty rare for the area that he works in and, therefore, he makes very little money. His decision to be a man of integrity has extreme implications on his family's financial well being, yet he has made an active decision to care about his character. And how much better will his family be for it? A lot. He is teaching his children the value of who they are, rather than what they have. They will be able to look to their father as an example of an outstanding man. I was very impressed with who he is and how he would come and labor with us. And how thankful he was. Then, at the end this man who I have a great amount of respect for told us that we are apart of his family. What a blessing.

I could write more, but I am sure you are tired of reading. These pictures sum up all I feel about my experience.

I am not a liar

It's true. I am not a liar. Actually, I am usually brutally honest. I am far too introspective and I think too much, which leads me to have a keen self awareness. With that said...
I have this nightmare a couple times a year where I am screaming and no one can hear me. What is most perplexing about the dream is that there are people all around me. My life is not like that at all right now. It is the opposite. I feel like I am sitting serenely and all the people around me keep pushing me to talk about "how I really feel." It's like when a mom tries to pick up a child who is not affectionate. The child is annoyed and squirms around to get back to what he was doing. Apparently no one believes that I can function right now, but that I am actually repressing a lot of sadness and hurt. That's simply not the case-no repressing here.
Why is that as Christians we preach trusting the Lord and resting in a peace beyond our understanding and looking to future glory, but never really act on those things? I feel like the restless child, I just want to get back to life.
Now, let me clarify some things. Yes, there is emotion to be taken into account. But emotion is not everything. And there are things that need closure and clarification. That will be dealt with in due time. I just don't understand why all these rules for "normal" life keep getting applied. Has anyone really taken a look at the world? Nothing is ever "normal." So why don't we all just trust the Lord? For two reasons. One, because we don't want to do the work. It takes a lot of time, energy and messiness to do this. And because trusting God is more threatening than a set of centralized standards. Because truly trusting in the Lord means giving up any sense of control that those standards offer. And although standards are not wrong, I think a lot of time we institute them to avoid hurt rather than pursuing the Lord with heart. But it is in risking hurt and losing this false sense of control that we find the sweetest rest there is-the infinite rest from the Lord.
Don't misunderstand me. I am about as rule bound as they come. I think I am learning, though, that I am bound to my set of standards and rules, rather than delighting in the law of the Lord. And I am seeing these trends around me. I am thankful for the care and protection that I am receiving from those around me. I just think that maybe we are missing it a little bit.
So what is my conclusion? Not positive just yet. But I am sure I will come up with something, because I think too much.

And p.s. I am not a liar.

Perfection: a future hope, not a present reality

To say that the past week and a half was easy or pleasant would be a lie. I could safely say that it has been the second most difficult and confusing time in my life. But I am okay. I will be fine. This time will be over soon enough. People keep asking me how I am doing. I only mind when they ask with an expectation of me breaking down. I hate that. Don't expect me to be a mess, I will be a mess when I want to be. But for now, God has given me peace and why don't people believe that. So I have decided that in writing down what I believe, maybe people will start to think that I am not a liar when I answer them. Buckle up, here we go...
I learned these things the summer after I was graduated from high school. I haven't been the same since. We live in a fallen world. There are practical and unbelievable consequences to that. Everything has been affected by this. The world is dying and decaying. Our bodies our dying and decaying. Everything from bug bites to eyeglasses to sickness are an effect of our sin. So we can stop blaming God for all this and look to Him for His gracious restoration. The question is not "why do bad things happen to good people", because we are not good outside of Christ. Bad things happen to fallen people. So why are we surprised when the fallen world produces fallen circumstances? Because we judge ourselves with man's thinking, not God's thinking. So what's the point? When all falls apart, it is not God's fault and it is not a specific person's fault, it is a result of a fallen world and it provides an opportunity for humanity to look to the Lord for His grace, mercy and life.
Now I understand this doesn't erase emotion or frustration. As a matter of fact, understanding the fallen world and a God of restoration (partially now and fully at glorification) allows freedom to feel. I can cry and be upset because this is the world of tears, the world of hurt. And that is okay. It will not be until glorification that the Father will wipe away my tears. I can't wait for that, but for now I will choose to cry when I want to and at the same time I will look to Christ knowing that because of His work one day I will stop crying. My hope is great because of this. And this hope doesn't cast out emotion, but makes it appropriate and not overwhelming.
So what does my life look like? It looks like trusting the Lord when whatever comes my way at any given point. It is crying, laughing, resting, or whatever else I do all knowing that the Father loves me. It is freedom to live in a fallen world, knowing that perfection will come not today, but in glory.

Snow (Ice) Days

I really adore snow days. Not just because I like cold weather, but I like all that comes along with it. First of all, I love sweaters and I have some really great ones. So I finally got to wear them. Second, there is no better time to drink hot chocolate and this is my favorite drink. Finally, and most importantly, when one is blessed with a snow day (or two in my case), people become forced to rest. Over the last two days, I read, watched movies, caught up with people and slowed down enough to actually enjoy my life. I was able to study and think. I find that this time is increasingly important as most of the time I am running around just trying to accomplish something. I think this may be the biggest struggle of adulthood and why adults have romanticized being in school. It's because during school there is built in time to rest and so much of that comes in ample time to relate to others. However in this so-called real world that I live in, I rarely have time to really connect in meaningful ways with the people I come into contact with. I am so often doing, rather than being. Its a sad state. But when that blessed snow day is given to me, I have no choice but to slow down and rest. The past two days have been precious.

New Year, New Me?

Well, with the holiday season over I find myself pretty excited to get back to "normal" life. It was a delight to get to go home and see so many wonderful people. I feel refreshed and little more like me, again. And it was amazing for my family and Rebecca and Patrick to be in Austin and get to see my new life. It makes Austin feel a little less like summer camp. So now I am back to work and hanging with students and, hopefully in due time, getting a little rest.
A long time ago I decided never to make New Year resolutions and I am keeping with that. However, we must all admit that there is something about this time of year that makes us reflect on where have been and where we are going. For me this year, a lot of that has been due to getting to go home and getting some time to ponder what has happened in my life over this past whirlwind of a year. I've done a lot-graduated, had three jobs, moved twice, made totally new friends, etc, etc. So it is quite a lot to think about. I really came to no conclusion other than that without the grace of God I would be insane by now, but I do have a confidence that I did not have this time last year. And it has nothing to do with me feeling certain about my future. It has everything to do with God being faithful to me and leading me through all these changes. He has given me a confidence in Him and because of that, a confidence in myself.
I was asked recently if I feel more like an "adult" now that I am out of college. The answer was definately not. I am still who I was in May and this time last year. I just have new challenges and responsibilities. However, I do find that I have a sense of competence that I did not have last year. A new set of skills that fit my new life. I feel adapted.
So my point...its not a new year that has brought a new me. It is the past year that has brought a more mature me.

Christmas-the most wonderful time of the year

For all 3 people who read my blog, I would like to share with you the things about this season that delight my heart to no end.

1. Tacky Christmas Lights
2. Tacky Blow-up Santa Clauses
3. Hot Chocolate with Peppermint
4. Claymation Movies on ABC Family
5. the smell of Christmas Trees
6. Decorating Christmas Trees
7. Christmas Light Extravaganza

Where people go too far in the name of "Christmas Spirit":
1. listening to Christmas music outside of its intended window (after Thanksgiving to two days after Christmas and occasionally in July)
2. vests (its okay and delightful for women over 40 to wear them)
3. the song Christmas shoes (sorry...)
4. country musicians singing any Christmas song (esp. Alan Jackson)

...In conclusion, I hope that you all will take these things into consideration as we continue in this holiday season

A nose ring and a boyfriend

Since moving to Austin my paradigms of life have been completely changed. I have come to see life in a different way. Sure, I'm still who I was a couple months ago, same tendencies and struggles, still uncomfortable about the majority of life. However, I have found that as I spend more time with the people here, I feel more encouraged to be myself. I wonder what it is about this place that makes me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I think a lot of it is that in coming here there were no expectations of who I was supposed to be and we all know that one of my biggest pet peeves is being told who I should be and what I should do. So maybe it has simply been the freedom to be whoever the Lord has me to be at any given moment. Some of it is the reality of being able to do what I was meant to do with my life. I have been able to throw off the shackles of school and constraints of jobs I hated. I mean I really love getting up in the morning to do my job. I love the challenges and the obstacles, the good days and the bad. I love the studying and the work that goes into being able to do vocational ministry and the Lord does renew and grow us in what we love.
Of course I have found quite a few difficulties, remember I said that my schemas of life have been pretty much shattered and that, my friend, is never a totally pleasant occurrence. I am a southern girl in a very liberal and hippie environment. I no longer find myself talking to people acting on the same natural tendency towards legalism. I am not surrounded by anyone bound to the rules. Even in the different aspects of my life I am experiencing a bit of a facelift. Ministry, relationships, everyday living all look different than I have always expected. And maybe this is the beauty of if all: even in the vast difference between my expectations and the practicality of my life, I still see the Lord working and providing me peace and joy.
One of the fringe benefits of being around people who haven't known you for years is that they have a fresh perspective on your strengths and weaknesses. And they believe in you, just because they can. I have found so much encouragement for the things that I want to do in life. At every turn I am provided with encouragement, support, resources and new ideas of how I can serve the Lord and others around me.
So although it has been difficult to broaden my horizons, it has been a delight to grow up a little. But then again, maybe all this change is due to a nose ring and a boyfriend.

Subtle Idolatry

This idea is fairly new and I'm still thinking it through, so be forgiving and give me some feedback...

I've been observing adolescents in the church for about five years as a leader and I was one for ten. Until this morning, I was unable to put my finger on what was going on with the majority of youth I have met, even myself for quite a long time. I see "good" kids. I see kids who can give me good answers, yet something about them just doesn't get it. But, why? I think it may have something to do with this: subtle idolatry. Yes, the exchanging of the Creator for the created, but even worse is exchanging the Creator for something good and associated with Him. It is worse because it is so difficult to identify and most often we get praised for these things. I first observed this in my own life. So often I put the pursuit of a greater faith before Christ. Faith is my idol. Similarly, instead of replacing sin with Christ, I will replace sin with the idea of "purifying" my heart. Essentially I put things in front of me other than Christ to pursue, not realizing that it is through the pursuit of Christ that those things come into being.
Now, how does this relate to adolescents? Well, I think that there has become a trend in youth ministry. Our purpose is to equip students and seeking out that purpose, I think we have tried to take the easier route of teaching techniques and methods. So what we have done is teach technique over Truth and ways to become closer to Christ over Christ. We need to see that holiness, being a disciple, and Truth go much deeper than methods. It is messier than that. The road is longer and rougher. It requires patience and faith. It takes the work of Christ and the seal of the Spirit. We as "ministers" must be willing to do the hard work of loving people.

Austin

So the point of starting this thing was so that I could write, not just about what I'm thinking about, but to update folks on life in Austin.
Let's start with the city. I adore it. One of the delights of Austin is being able to drive around. There are a couple of neighborhoods that are incredible. The view from Mt Bonnell is breathtaking. And there are times when I will drive down a road, turn a corner and all of the sudden I am overlooking the city. It is beautiful. Its a good surprise and it always makes me smile.
Second, my job. Incredible. It is such a gift to finally be able to do what I was created to do. (not that i wasn't in the Lord's will before, but you follow). Being allowed to utilize the gifts the Lord has given me is a great feeling. But even more than that, being able to learn from all the people around me and engage in kid's lives is the greatest thing ever. I am so grateful.
Finally, my favorite time of the week. It's what I'm doing right now. Thursday morning nurture times. This consists of the youth staff picking a coffee shop in Austin and resting. Reading, writing, listening to a sermon...amazing
...i would write more, but its time to go...

Transition

-I wrote this about two weeks after being in Austin:

The wounds of the past months are gaping open. They are being dealt with
and worked out as I rest and ponder. What really gets me is the heartache
of what I miss. The emotional attachment that was ripped at the seams has
left a dull ache that traveled west with me. It is not the vast
differences that are the hardest, but the things that are almost the same that
make me yearn for what I had. And although I believe that it will be fine
and the ache will soon turn to memories of delight as the mysterious becomes
familiar, it still hurts now. And that’s okay. It is in these times
that the Spirit seals Himself to the wounds and reminds me that I am claimed as
a child of God. It’s also when he further shows who He is and who I am. He
is my constant, my stability. I am stereotypical humanity. I choose
familiar sin over freedom. Comfort over challenge. But he has equipped me and
called me to more. I can overcome all that is ahead of me because of who He is.

I want to assure everyone that I am happy in Austin. I really enjoy it here. But the above still stands. The mysterious is becoming familiar, but the ache is still there. I still miss what I left and I think that I might always miss it. I'm okay with that.

For Martin Davis

I am creating this blog under the persuasion of Mr. Davis. I gave in, but I feel that given the amount of writing I am doing, this is a pretty good outlet. Hopefully I will have more interesting posts, but as for now just know that Martin Davis is a very good persuader.